The Secrets of a Girl I Know

The Secrets of a Girl I Know

There’s a girl I know
Who has mastered the game
Of hiding
From the world
From herself
She buries all her pain

I’m working to uncover it, that pain
It’s no easy task, I know
But I’m sick of trying to convince her to do it herself
She’s made her own rules to the game
To learn them I must find a way into her world
But her door is hiding

And I try to convince her to stop hiding
Telling her that others are willing to share her pain
If only she would leave her secret little world
Come out and play – let everyone know
That she’s changing the rules to the game
She done fighting all by herself

That’s all she’s ever been – all by herself
Under a million masks, hiding
Pretending she doesn’t care about society’s game
In secret, bleeding out all that pain
But looking at her you’d never know
That she almost gave up on the world

And I’m trying to bring her back to the world
Cuz she can’t stand up by herself
Because I look in her eyes and I know
That she hates all this hiding
And she wants to deal with the pain
That she’s sick and tired of playing this game

And together, we’ll escape this game
I found the key to her world
And am searching for the door to her pain
She’s looking for it, herself
Bt she doesn’t know how to stop hiding
I can help her with that, I know

I know that life is more than a game
And we’ll achieve nothing by hiding from the world
Since she no longer all by herself, we can save her from the pain.

Giving Thanks

Giving Thanks

It being Thanksgiving and all,
I’ve been trying to list
All the things I’m thankful for,
And it’s just making me realize
How much I [could] love you.
I’m thankful for hard work, determination,
And a hell of a lot of luck,
Because, without those, I wouldn’t be here.
And I’m thankful for this place
For so many reasons,
Not the least of which
Because it brought us together.
I’m thankful for proximity
Of housing and schedules.
I’m thankful for Facebook (-stalking),
Chatting, texting, and AIM.
I’m thankful for dining halls and common rooms,
Shared hallways and mutual pathways,
Things we have in common and things that are totally new.
I’m thankful for the time we spend together
(However depressingly brief it may be).
I’m thankful for everything you say
(Even if you don’t know how I replay it through my head).
I’m thankful for your sense of humor,
For your laugh and your beautiful smile.
I’m thankful for your love of the lyrical,
And I’m thankful for your impeccable style.
I’m thankful for your personality,
And I’m thankful that you care.
I’m thankful for the late night conversations that we share.
I’m thankful for your body,
For every occasional brush of the knee,
And for every tender second your arms are around me.
I’m thankful for what you do to me:
For the way my face lights up when I see you,
And for how I can’t say your name without a smile.
I’m thankful for the wishing times,
And for every time my dreams realize my fantasies.
What I’m trying to say is that I’m thankful for you,
Thankful that I have you in my life.
I’m thankful for even the chance of you and me
Becoming an ever-desired “we”.
I’m thankful that I [could] love you.

Your Sweatshirt

Your Sweatshirt

The other day I “borrowed” your sweatshirt
You eventually stole it back again
I said I wanted it
Because it was so warm
And it smelled so good
Like you
I said I wanted it
So I stole it again
And I kept it
And I wore it
All the time
And it made me feel warm
When I was cold
But more than that
It made me feel protected
It was my own little piece of you
When I wore it
I felt like
You
Were holding me close
I felt loved
But more than that
Let’s go deeper
Last night
I was in a bad place
And I was crying
And I so badly wanted
To come crawling to you
I so badly desired
Someone to hold the pieces of me together
I so badly craved
A shoulder to cry on
So I grabbed your sweatshirt
And wrapped it up into a pillow
My own personal shoulder
And I
Leaned into it
Sobbed into it
It was my own little piece of you
There when I needed it
When I needed you
Making me feel loved
And protected
And utterly not alone
Because it was my own little piece of you
The piece I’ll have forever
Eternally
When I need it
When I need you
I’ll forever have
My own little piece of your smile
Of your laugh
Of your beautiful, beautiful soul
Now and into eternity
I’ll always have
Your
—Now my—
Pillow to sleep on
Shoulder to cry on
Warmth when it’s cold outside
Or on the inside
There when it’s needed
Big, black, warm, memory-keeping, comfort-giving Carhartt sweatshirt

Deeper

Deeper

Your heart doesn’t belong
To me
Nor do you hold
My heart’s key

It took me too long
To realize
That which was right
Before my eyes

Your heart’s not mine
But to me your soul is true
Friendship runs deeper than love
And there is no deeper than you

Your Best Friend

Your best friend is your closest ally
They know you inside and out
Even though they sometimes make you cry
Or make you want to scream and shout

Your best friend is your true-blue buddy
Through thick and thin they are
Always there for you when you’re feeling cruddy
Sometimes too close, but never too far

Your best friend is a gift you gave yourself
And they’ll never break or go out of style
Comforting books that are always on the shelf
Fully of silly phrases and kind words to help you through any trial

Your best friend is supposed to help you endure
Not causing, rather resolving your conflicts
So I never thought you’d be my saboteur
Who knew it would be me your poison afflicts

How was I supposed to know you’d hurt me
After you got close enough to scratch your name upon my soul
I couldn’t imagine that from my life you’d flee
Leaving me to fill the gaping hole

I should have known you were no different that the rest
You’d knock me down after carefully building me up
Into the darkness pieces of my spirit have been pressed
And tears splatter like raindrops into my teacup

You and Me

I am strong,
Resolute,
Concrete,
A pillar of strength
And love.

I am the spirit,
The soul,
The supreme essence
Of everyone
My experiences
Have molded me into.

And I love you.

He compliments me;
You complete me.

When I am with you,
The rainbow fades,
The diamond is scratched,
The mirrors all shatter,
And I am brought into the world,
Naked.

You can accept me
I can stand before you
Naked
And you accept me
And clothe me
In your warm embrace.

Loving someone
Means fully accepting
That person’s
Humanness.
I think that there is
No better way to describe
What you do for me.

You are
One of the chosen few
That gets to know
Me.

You are
The only one
Who always gets
Me.

I’ve let you
Inside my castle
If you are willing,
You can stay here
Forever.

What Do I Know?

You lift my spirits and you make me cry
All’s not fair in love and war
The clouds of my fears are blocking your light
This is one test I don’t have all the answers for

I’m searching for the answers
Do I even know how I feel?
I love him, but am I in love –
How can I know if what we have is real?

I know that I am conscious only of you
And that no one but you truly knows me
That you gave me the strength to be myself
But is this what love could be?

I know that you are everything to me
Except the one thing I really need
What scares me is, what if they’re right?
What if love at fifteen just can’t succeed

I’m trying to say that I’m feigning you
I’m afraid to share how I feel inside
But I want to know what we could be
And if my true feelings would be replied.

What Did I Do to Deserve All This?

I overslept
I missed the bus
I was late to school
I failed a test
I forgot my history report
I have too much homework
My mom’s making me baby-sit
My library books are overdue
I’m fighting with my best friend
My boyfriend dumped me
My locker jammed
I missed the bus again
I have to walk home
It starts to rain
“I hate you!” I scream at the world
“What did I do to deserve all this!”

I’m walking
Through the rain
I’m scowling
Listening to Eminem on my Ipod
Digging through my Baby Phat purse
To find my ringing cell phone
And then I see a man
Dressed in tattered clothes
Sitting on the sidewalk
Getting very wet
Looking very cold and hungry
I forget about by phone
And give him an apple from my lunchbox
And a few dollars from my purse
A small twist of fate and I could be that man
“Thank you,” I whisper to the world
“What did I do to deserve all this?”

There for Me

In case I were to stumble over an unseen rock
And sprawlingly fall to the ground
As I struggle to scramble up steep hills
Merrily slide down them
And occasionally burn my feet on unexpected hot sand,
Even though it means plunging headfirst
Into darknesses and evils previously unknown
After, long after everyone else
Has disbanded, dispersed, and disappeared
You’ve held my hand and become a part of me
And I know you’ll never let go.

Once inches from the edge
Although the future sometimes looks too bleak to continue on
While there are times when I can’t see through a present storm
To find a rainbow hidden in the future
Because of you and you only
The darkness cannot hungrily gobble me up
And today I am fairly happy,
Fairly healthy
But truly blessed to have a best friend like you.

The Things You Said

Sometimes I feel so confused
When I think about you
When the things you said
Play themselves in my head
Over and over again
You said that you only want to make me happy
But I’m happy right now
I’m happy with the way things are
It could get so ugly if we change things
I’d be happy if we could freeze time
Can you do that for me?
Because you said you would do anything
Anything for me
And that you hate to see me sad
Hate to see tears flowing from my eyes
So then why do you make me love you so much
That it hurts inside
And get me into situations
Where the only thing I know how to do is cry
And then you ask me what is wrong
So not to hurt you I have to lie
And lies on top of lies
Will only hurt us
As friends...as more
And hurting us
Will only make me cry.

The Thin Line (between Love and Hate)

Fuck you.
I hate you.
I fucking hate you.
Why do you do this to me?
You’re fucking killing me.
You’re eating me up inside.

I love you.
Why do I love you?
Why can’t I keep you out
Like everyone else?
I hate loving you.

But I could love
no one else but you.
If I didn’t love you,
I don’t know
what I’d do
or who I’d be.

I’d be a mirror,
an ever-changing mask
covering up...
absolutely nothing.

I didn’t...
I couldn’t
allow myself
to accept myself
into my life
until you.

If I didn’t have you,
I would never have stopped
Falling.
No matter how old
I live to be,
love
could never have saved me
if I didn’t have you.

I didn’t know love
until I knew you.
I thought that I did,
but,
I had just
recently met love.
I hadn’t yet recognized
you
for who,
and what,
you were.

Love.

The Many Ways in Which I Love You

You love me like a sister
But I want to be your wife

You are the food I eat
The air I breathe
The very heart that pumps
Life into my body

I wouldn’t – I couldn’t
Get up in the morning
If it wasn’t for you

And if I knew that you
Weren’t going to be waking up soon
No matter how near
Or how far
I would die right there in my bed

My death
Would not be merely
Of a broken heart
But of a shattered soul
As well

I live for you
And I would willingly
Give my life
For you

My dearest
If you laid
In a bed of roses
You might smell
How I love you

If you could dine
With the world’s finest chefs
You might taste
How I love you

If you ever met
Your idol
Then in your own scream
You might hear
How I love you

If you ever
Shook hands with an elf
You might feel
How I love you

If you ever
Rode a dragon
From that height
You might see
How I love you

But if you took
The offering
Of my heart
And gave me yours
In return

If you were to
Make me yours
Even if only
For one night

Only upon that one night
Could you ever
Truly know
The many ways
In which
I love you.

The Human Race

Dripping in diamonds, Pamela passes Andy huddled under a torn coat
As she travels to a party at some fancy penthouse
He notices everything about her, while she doesn’t even know he’s there
To her, he doesn’t deserve to breathe

People are so hypocritical!
Our founding fathers said we were all created equal, and so she is no better than he
But if you ask a child today, “Who is the better person?”, we all know what he would say

He would not carry my message; wouldn’t say that the problem is that question
That there are no better people – the man and the woman came into this world the same way
He wouldn’t wonder why they’re so different now.

Maybe Andy made a wrong choice or two somewhere in life
But no one’s perfect; we all make mistakes
Why does he have to suffer through life on a street corner
While, in the penthouse, Pamela rises above everyone else?

I ask, “If men, women, and children were created equal, why do we call it the human RACE?”
We all start at the same place, but are people like Pamela the first to finish
While all those like Andy lag behind, never to catch up?

Humor me, please – let us pretend
That Pamela and Andy were to join hands as they complete the course
It is my belief that the utter silence resonating in every corner of the globe
Would say more about this event than I ever can

The Fight's Symphony

Roar – goes the crowd
“Kill him!” – they shout
Pump – goes the two boys’ adrenaline
Thump, thump – go their hearts
Whoosh – they hear it in their ears
Flap – away fly their consciences
Whip – the crowd is now their master
Wham – a punch is landed
Splash – the blood puddles on the floor
Bam! Bam! Bam! – he’s hit again and again
Thunk – his body hits the floor
Click – the lights all go of
Silence – in the dark, it’s over.

Tell Me Why

I can see that you’re depressed
So I go to you
And hold you tight
And tell you that I love you
As a friend, of course
At least, so you think
If only you knew
How I wish I could comfort you
In a different way
How I long to kiss your tears away
But you don’t feel the same
How could you?
I’m your best friend, nothing more
And even though we’re so similar
In our personalities, at least
She is the one your heart longs for
And when I have brushed away your tears
With my hands, not with my lips
You tell me how thankful you are
That I am part of your life
You say that you love me
You say it’s impossible not to
And yet you don’t
At least, not the same way I love you
You don’t look at me
Like you gaze at her
What makes her so goddamn special?
Why does your heart choose her over me?
She doesn’t even want you
You haven’t changed her life
She won’t give herself to you
Like I’ve already done
She doesn’t treat you
Like you deserve to be treated
And still you look right past
My wide open heart
How can you look so deep into my soul
Without seeing the truth?
Are you so blind?
Or do you just refuse to see?
Do you just refuse to love me?
You swore that
For all your life
You’d try to make me happy
So why is my love invisible?
Why aren’t I good enough?
Why is hers the name
Always on the tip of your tounge?
Tell me
Why are you my everything
Except the one thing
I truly want you to be?
My hand fits yours
The small of your back
Is the perfect resting place
For my head
You make my very soul rejoice
So can someone please explain
Why
Why, why, why, why, why
Don’t you love me?

Stuck

I’m stuck here
and here
isn’t good enough
for me
anymore.
Because of you,
I can see there...
I’ve got a glimpse
of what life could be,
and living
(if you can call this living)
life like this
just isn’t worth it anymore
if life could be like that.
I love you,
and putting up with everything –
with life –
it’s just not worth it
if we’re STUCK like this.

Spider

I am a spider
Divine inspiration and creativity flow through me
As I create my web
My web of truths and lies
I’m trapped in a tempting yet entangling situation
I beg of you, don’t become my fly

I am productive
Creating new webs
New ideas
Constantly beginning new projects
I fill my life so it seems less empty

I have laid a thousand egg sacs
Everyday I become pregnant with hundreds
Of new words and ideas
I release them as children into the world
But each night I die inside
Never to see them grow

Because I am the fragile spider
Everyone fears me
Looks to squash me
Some break me apart, leg by leg
They love to watch me squirm
Alone
The fragile spider
Who no one wants, but everyone needs.

Specks

Have you ever looked up at the stars at night,
And felt like a tiny speck of dust?
Well, if you have, my friend, you’re right.
The entire human race is nothing but a little dot
When compared to Space, Time, and the whole Universe

Our sun is the closest star,
Shining so bright in the sky
But even it is so very far
That before we could get even halfway there,
The whole human race would be gone.

So, in our short time here, we need to create our dream
To get up out of our beds and join hands,
Because if we all stand together, as a team,
Maybe then we could change our world,
Even though, individually, each of us is too small to even see.

Sonnet II

My castle you are allowed to enter
I want to enter your fortress as well
My dreams have died like flowers in winter
Will they grow again? Only time will tell

Joined together, we could be paradise
This life I need your help to rise above
Alone it’s like my heart is in a vice
We’re tow wandering souls searching for love

What about me – I could be good to you
I know you would always be good to me
I don’t want you to be the morning dew
Cradle me close as we drift out to sea

T’were you to ever learn a single thing
Be it the joy to you my love would bring.

Sonnet I

As my footprints linger on the wet sand
Memories of the past haunt me today
Peace lies in the black and white of dreamland
You cannot be there, because love is gray
As Brigantine acts as a barrier
You used to protect me from life’s troubles
Wishing on stars, I’m missing how we were
I’m drowning, while no one checks for bubbles
As the waves crash against the rocky beach
Lost hope and loneliness are smacking me
In the face - I turn away from love’s leech
Loving you is dragging me out to sea
As attention cravers head to the shore
I don’t want to be lonely anymore.

So I Heard in Class Today...

Hey yo
Did you say...
I heard that he actually...
...pretty busy...
I spreaded a rumor about Alyssa
At a football game
– I was like, okay,
Randomest stuff in the world. –
Naw, really –

I have a fear of things hangin over my head (an inviting introduction)
You don’t know if it’s all gonna fall on your head
The boat was wobblin
I was sposta steer
Do you still have those...
...I can give ’em to you tomorro
Did you guys come up with something?
Nuh-uh
We spent all weekend long
Just bein retarded –
It was a disaster –
Even the best fall down sometimes
A’ight, look
I’ve got a bruise
A needle stickin outta his head
And then
One big headache
All that shit
I’m traumatized from study hall (haha. Ur funny. Ur funny)
My mother was a drummer (how old is she??)
But she won’t let me play guitar
It makes me mad
Oh, snap
Ah, shit
You prolly won’t be able to handle this
See, I really can’t do this
I’m feeling very oppressed
I’m fallin apart
I’m still tryna figure out
I’m scared
Just make this go away
DOOM – someone I didn’t wanna see
Not a destination (which door?)
It’s been awhile
But – come one – it’s still fun –
Discovery ... seeing the unseen
Dance
Smile
Make music
All messy
Your own style
My favorite song
Oh, I love this song
Power – like 7 feet tall
We rise and we fall
As though it were impossible to fail
Listen to the crowd –
So alive –
They’re really cheering for you
You just missed it – she started jumpin up and down
...That’s dedication right thurr...
Truthful
Nice guys finish first.

She Will Be Missed

The self I used to hold so dear
Has faded into the mist
There goes the girl of yesteryear
And oh, she will be missed.

Revolution Pie

Okay, so here’s a recipe
To go against society’s recipe
Drain a rainbow from the sky
Combine flashes of 7 bright hues for this colorless world
Mix in music – the kind that speaks to your soul
Pour in a gallon of individuality
And sprinkle in a pinch of pixie dust
– It’s okay to believe –
Add a teaspoon of hope
And two tablespoons of fear
Stir 73 times, each circle adding a tear
Shake in a cup of black anger
And, if you’re brave enough,
Maybe even a drop or two of love
Pour it all in a bottle
Of a melancholy hue
Then, above a bowl,
Bust it open with a knife
And blend in all the shattered glass
Dust with sugar and add 3 cups of spice
But some powdered originality instead of everything nice
Sift through all the subtleties
And add 13 oz. of nuts
– A touch of insanity –
Add a hard outer shell – protect yourself well
Chill until firm – don’t let them mold you
And bake at 370°
For as long as it takes
For this new you to rise
And you will have your own
Revolution pie.

Revision

I’m startin over – beginnin again with a clean slate
I threw out all my old shit and even bought new clothes
The past is not the future – will not be my fate
I took all the makeup and masks off my nose
And now there’s something I want to state
Look at it, my nose, - on its own it still glows
So now I’m telling y’all it’s not too late
To do away with all your foes
You might have called one or two a mate
Be careful not to do away with those
Sketch on paper what it is you will create
No need to arm him with arrows and bows
Just don’t allow him to eat society’s bait
No walking around in that oh-so-familiar zombie-like doze
He will walk around with his own gait
And everyone sound from his mouth will be prose
Now that your past is off your plate
He can forget about all he owes
To the events that made you start to debate
And, through him, above which rose
And now you have time to wait
And watch the falling snows
When finally open is the gate
And “upstairs” the new you goes
When He is finally ready to give you a rate
Know that no caution to the wind He throws
So you will be able to stand there on your crate
Without to the bones being froze
And you will feel not an ounce of hate
Not even in your toes

Rejection

For long I admired you
From afar
The sound of your voice, the curves of your face
My feet matched your pace
You were my wish upon a star

They teased and taunted you, my friends did,
I stuck up for you, and yelled at them too
Hiding my love
Which waited silently like a peaceful dove
Until I confessed it to you

For the first time ever
I let my heart step onto that line
Your foot came hurtling past
But you were gentle, not too fast
I didn’t think your heart broke mine

Not until I went to listen to my heart
Later that day
Instinctively I went to where
It used to be there
To hear what it had to say

I flung to the walls of my rib cage
And knew that there I had to stay
To avoid the swirling black hole
Aimed at swallowing my soul
Lodged between the broken pieces of my heart lying on the floor in disarray

One of my shoes flew off
Out of day
And into night
Oh, I had such a fright
When a black mist emerged from the hole, headed my way

As its icy hand closes around my ankle
And it drags me,, pulling me in
I can only hope that maybe you’ll love me
You might save me, or even miss me, maybe
I hope that one day I’ll see you again.

Pinnochio

I am not Pinnochio,
That’s something we both need to realize
I don’t have wooden limbs or strings
Nor do I see the world through glassy black eyes

I am not a mannequin
You cannot dress me up to look a certain way
I am not a robot
I will not do as you say

You cannot hook me on a line
As if I was a fish
And drag me along behind you
Through your every whim and wish

If you continue this way
The front door I’ll leave through
I’ll stand up and walk away
You’ll never see me again if I do

When you say “Jump”
I don’t have to
I have my own mind
And I’ll do what I want to do

You do not control me
I’m a free citizen in this and every state
Just please let me be until my eighteenth birthday
I can be rid of the nest on that date.

Owl

I am an owl
Flying to you on silent, swift wings
With my big glowing eyes
I can see clearly when you’re lost in the darkness
I can be your guide and save you
From the darkness of the underworld
I am a messenger of hidden truth
With the wisdom to make positive changes
But only in your life – not in my own
You trust me – I give you freedom
To reveal your secrets and dreams
And I unmask you when you would have been deceived
And fly you away on my silent, swift wings
Your guide with bright glowing eyes
And when I have rescued you, I sit and hoot
“Whoo...whoo...”
Who will save me now?
Because you heal me as I save you.

Over You

You’re a blip in my past
A shapeless soul who remains masked

Confining me to a cramped shell
Who I really am I’m afraid to tell

You built me up inside
Then ran into the shadows to hide

You’ve inflicted me with poison
But I’ve got others to give me medicine

You knocked me down
Turned my smile into a frown

But I don’t need you to ruin my life
His warm hug heals cuts from your cold knife

I don’t need your pity
I don’t want your sympathy

Now you’re tryin to show me kindness
But you’re not the one I’m gonna miss

So now I say goodbye to you
I’m no longer a victim of all those things you do

Don’t know who you will hurt next
But it won’t be me, cuz I’m surely vexed

Life is so much easier now
I’m smiling cuz he’s taught me how

I’m over you, but don’t take it too hard on yourself
You’re just a book of shadows put back on my shelf.

Our Broken Possibility

Two days ago was a good day
Yesterday was a great day
And I can already tell that today
Will be wonderful as well
So I should be high as a kite
Soaring through a sweet baby blue sky
These past few days
These past few days with you
Have been so great
So tell me
Why do I feel so down?
Because I know that we’ll be friends forever
And that you’ll love me till the end
That should make my soul glad
Yet all day I’ve been trying not to cry
Trying to convince you
– No, who the hell am I trying to kid –
I’ve been trying to convince myself
That all the things we’ve done and said
That “recent events”
Have gone the way they were meant to go
That things are how they should be
But still I sit here now
With this tear threatening to roll down my cheek
And think, “He’s my best friend
I’ll love him each and every day to come.”
While deep down inside
In the most secret parts of me
I’m sobbing
Over the cold and broken corpse
Of what we will never be.

Originality

I’m standin on building blocks
From my hands, my mouth, my mind come electric shocks
I’ll use them to bust through all the locks
And all of you can set the alarm on your clocks
Take all your money out of the stocks
Make sure your boats tied safely in their docks
Sit around with your family eatin ham hocks
Prepare yourself – I’m comin out of my box
Now slowly or stealthily like a fox
I’m bustin out like a bunch of football jocks
I’m originality comin to disassemble your flocks
You can’t attack me – put down your rocks
I have the strength of an ox
Come to the door – it is me who knocks
Open up, look at me as you stand there in your socks
Embrace me, originality, you fake, stupid, weak, boneless, old crocks.

Not-So-Constructive Criticism

I was on top
I was the creme-de-la-creme
The cream of the crop
The best of the best
I had worked hard to get there,
Too,
So I was loving every minute of it.

But then came high school
And with it
Competition
I hadn’t known hard work until then.
I was struggling to keep my spot as
King of the mountain
You said it yourselves
“Maya, you’re slipping.”

If only you knew
How true
That statement is
If only
You could see the deep dark chasm
That I’m slipping into
Weighed down by this boulder of pressure
You’ve put on my shoulders

Do you hear your words?

“Think about it, Maya
You gotta keep your grades up
You gotta get a scholarship.”

“You’re slipping, Maya.”

“You’re letting us down.”

“You only got a 93?”

I’m not the best anymore
But why does that make me not
Good enough?
Are you telling me
That I only meet your standards
When I’m perfect?
What if perfection isn’t possible?
But think back,
Back to when I was
Number one
Do you remember your knife-like words then?
I do
Let me refresh your memory:

“Stop being so smart, Maya.”

“You’re making the rest of us look bad.”

The rest of us...
Like I don’t belong
I know that
To your ears
You’re just egging me on
To you it sounds like
Constructive criticism
But whatever I do
I do not meet your standards

You expect me to
Get the highest grades
Understand everything
Then when I do
I am shunned
And told to stop

Please explain to me
How is that “constructive?”

No One Knows

Nothing is right anymore
Nothing is the way it’s supposed to be
I’m sitting in what used to be my favorite class
Crying
And my best friends won’t even talk to me
I don’t know what I’m doing
It’s all a mystery to me
My world is crashing down around me
I don’t think I can do this anymore
I don’t wanna live this life anymore
This used to be my escape
Now all I wanna do is escape
Escape from this escape
Escape from this game
I don’t even know the rules
I’m sick of it all
I don’t even know
You
Anymore
You don’t know me
You don’t even know
How broken I feel right now
You don’t even know
That I feel like I don’t belong
You don’t even know
That you don’t know
Even you don’t know
Even you don’t see
No one knows.

Loving You

You make the world seem less crazy
And make my efforts seem worthwhile
You guide me when the days are hazy
And can always make me smile

Loving you can make me cry
But your spirit can make me dry my eyes
You can make me laugh when I want to die
And no matter what you always take me by surprise

I know that you’re the one that I can talk to
The one who will help me explore the caverns of my soul
And so I’ll say, without any further ado
That in my life I want you to have a starring role

Sometimes I still feel so far apart
From this cruel world that traps me bodily
But to you I will give my heart
Because you’re the one who set my spirit free

Losing Someone

Remember that, while his body is gone
Inside of you, his spirit still lives on

Now, with every step you ever take
You are leaving his legacy in your wake

Whenever a rainbow brightens you day
Or a shining star twinkles your way

Know that he’s smiling down on you
He’s still a part of everything you do

Life does not end when death comes to your door
Death is simply one stop in the universe’s grand tour

It is to be learned from; don’t show fear
You’ve now been taught to hold loved ones dear

We will stay with you and grieve silently
For that is all we can do, really

Until the day a smile again lights up your face
With your friends and family you’ll find a warm embrace

Life

Every day is a new day
Each day could be your last
Make each day special
Don’t let it just sail past

Every second is a fresh beginning
Each hour becomes what you see fit
Every day you get to start anew
And your life is simply what you make it

All men, women, and children have the power
To choose the path that they take
We can choose the slow, dangerous trek through the mountains
Or build a boat and simply cross the lake

We can overcome any obstacle
If we just use the power we have locked up inside
Even if you must walk to your destination
Let your passion lengthen your stride

Your big opportunity is out there
Even if it doesn’t come knocking at your door
Most humans crawl around on their knees searching for it
While the wise among us listen to their hearts, then stretch their wings and soar.

Just Listen

I need to have a talk with you
There are some things I need to get off my chest
So sit down and please just listen
Although listening isn’t what you do best

Please don’t interrupt with protests
Just listen to my words; don’t try to explain
Don’t categorize my feelings
Just take note of the things that have caused my pain

Search for all the deeper meanings
Remember that I chose these words carefully
And when I tell you how I feel
Don’t tell me these feelings aren’t how they should be

When I tell you of a problem
Don’t solve it; I need to do that for myself
And when I ask your opinion
I don’t want an answer from off of a shelf

I have asked that you just listen
Not that you give advice or try to fix it
So please listen and just hear me
Genuinely listen; don’t be counterfeit

When I have finished, you may talk
By then you’ve earned a chance to speak your mind too
Simply wait a moment for your turn
Don’t talk or do; then I’ll do the same for you.

It Seems Like I Can Only

It seems like I can only
Waste my time
It seems like I can only
Make the wrong words rhyme

It seems like I can only
Fall to pieces
It seems like I can only
Say the wrong things at press releases

It seems like I can only
Sit around waitin for you to love me
It seems like I can only
Sing my song – the notes off-key

It seems like I can only
Be PISSED OFF or just PISSED ON
It seems like I can only
Sit back and watch the phenomenon

It seems like I can only
FALL and wait for you to save me
It seems like I can only
Love you cuz you set me free

It seems like I can only
Scream FUCK MY CHAINS and just break through
It seems like I can only
Give all of myself to you

It seems like I can only
Find myself HELPLESS and HOPELESS
It seems like I can only
GIVE UP on LOVE and BLISS

It seems like I can only
WISH that everything was OKAY
It seems like I can only
See BLACK and WHITE while love is GRAY

It seems like I can only
Never smile and always frown
It seems like I can only
CLOSE UP or just BREAK DOWN

It seems like I can only
Turn my love into an art
It seems like I can only
Stand by as you TEAR IT APART

It seems like I can only
LOSE a part of me
It seems like I can only
DREAM about what we could be

It seems like I can only
Clutch the tattered fabric of our past
It seems like I can only
HOPE and PRAY that we will last

It seems like I can only
Build a new MASK to HIDE my PAIN
It seems like I can only
TRY and TRY and try in vain

It seems like I can only
Tie a knot at the END of my rope
It seems like I can only
LOVE YOU, though there is NO HOPE

It seems like I can only
DROWN here in the TEARS I CRY
It seems like I can only
Be a flower – BLOSSOM,
WITHER,
and DIE.

If the Whole Wide World Was Up to Me

If the whole wide world was up to me,
The hungry would feast, the thirsty would drink
The poor would have plenty, and the weak would find strength
Shy and cowardly people wouldn’t hide from the light of day
They’d be courageous in life and stay that way
Unfriendly people would learn the value of a few kind words,
And they’d start to care
The selfish, greedy people everywhere would begin to share
All the people that run from their problems would be confident
As they work out and solve them
Every blind man would see; deaf people would hear
Mute people would speak; and the illiterate read
The ones that do fall wouldn’t lie there and die
They’d instantly get up, with their heads held high
The scared would take risks; the dishonest would never lie
The coldhearted would show feelings; and the rude would become polite
People would set high standards for themselves
And never settle for less than they deserve
All sorrow and sadness would soon disappear
Everyone would be wise, courageous, bold, and brave,
Lead lives worth living, from their births to their graves
And that’s how everything would be
If the whole wide world was up to me.

How Did You Get Here?

How did you get here?
No one’s been this deep inside of me before
Why are you my everything?
You held the key to my soul’s locked door

Why are you standing next to me?
I didn’t know we were so close
What drug makes you love me?
I need to take a dose

How did you get past the gate?
When the guards weren’t looking, you slipped right through
Yes, but how’d you manage to move into my castle?
You said those magic words, “I love you.”

How are you a part of me?
I turned inward and was shocked to see your face
Why are your strong arms around me?
Not locking, just holding me in a warm embrace

How do you think the thoughts in my head?
Deep down inside, we are the same
Why is everything okay when we’re together?
Then we can see that their world is just a game

Why do I let myself love you?
I don’t think this will end in pain
Why do we have no secrets?
Only we can keep each other sane

Why do I want to be next to you?
You make me feel so great
So tell me again, how did you get here?
Oh wait, I remember – you are my soul’s mate.

Hold Fast to Love

Hold fast to love
It is the fruit of the gods
It is a break in the clouds of life’s sky
It is rain for the garden in your soul
Accept it, and let the grass grow

Hold fast to love
Without it, life is a void
A nothingness with a constant dull ache
To remind you that you have nothing to live for
No hopes…a million fears

Hold fast to love
Open yourself to it and its tender pain
Use love as a key to unlock your soul
Build yourself a Heaven on Earth
A safe haven for when Life becomes Hell

Hold fast to love
Just don’t hold too tight
And whatever you do, don’t hide from love
To hide from love is to hide from life
And to hide from life is to die.

Growing Up With You

For
years
I’ve had
a blanket
I made it
to comfort me
It used to fit
just fine and dandy
I wrapped myself in it
and hid from the world

But
now
I’ve been
growing inside
My little blanket
no longer fits
I can’t hide anymore
My spirit has grown
I’ve sprouted beautiful new wings
That my covers cannot cover

A
decision
I must
make now
To clutch it
or let go
If I keep it
to hide my face
the real me the world
Will never grow to know

If I courageously can release
my blanket I’ll be naked
for everyone to see
who I am inside
Can I allow
this to be
There’s a
chance of
explosive
collapse

You brought strength and courage
as gifts to my world
You allowed me to
let my blanket go
Unfurled my wings
Replaced my blanket
Liberated me
with stability
and
love

Flying away from this place
Finding a way to endure
We’ll get through this
We’ll live our lives
Creating our dreams
Reaching for stars
We’re spreading
our wings
Finally
Alive.

Growing Up With You

For
years
I’ve had
a blanket
I made it
to comfort me
It used to fit
just fine and dandy
I wrapped myself in it
and hid from the world

But
now
I’ve been
growing inside
My little blanket
no longer fits
I can’t hide anymore
My spirit has grown
I’ve sprouted beautiful new wings
That my covers cannot cover

A
decision
I must
make now
To clutch it
or let go
If I keep it
to hide my face
the real me the world
Will never grow to know

If I courageously can release
my blanket I’ll be naked
for everyone to see
who I am inside
Can I allow
this to be
There’s a
chance of
explosive
collapse

You brought strength and courage
as gifts to my world
You allowed me to
let my blanket go
Unfurled my wings
Replaced my blanket
Liberated me
with stability
and
love

Flying away from this place
Finding a way to endure
We’ll get through this
We’ll live our lives
Creating our dreams
Reaching for stars
We’re spreading
our wings
Finally
Alive.

Dying Without You

Mother Nature and I must feel the same way
As I plod home on this oh so gloomy day
It’s raining and of the sun’s light I see not one ray
For today is the day you walked away

I have to remind myself to move my feet
My steps are uneven – no rhythm, no beat
I give up : I finally admit utter defeat
Fates worse than death a soul can meet

I’d thought that we were made for each other
You were my world; my father and mother
You were my soul mate, my angel, my brother
And I can never love another

My broken heart you left in your wake
With you, I can’t even have my cake
You sped away, left me drowning in a lake
I’m rolling downhill on a bike without a brake

I am completely lifeless without you
My heart stops as my skin turns blue
The pieces of my world have lost their glue
Because to me you have bid adieu

You left me hanging by a thread
In these waters I just can’t tread
We go together like blue, white, and red
Now alone, I am simply .... .dead

Drifting Apart

So close together
And yet so far apart
Is he really
Losing space in my heart?

I say it’s okay
We’re better than the rest
Do I even believe myself?
Should I put it to the test?

We used to be so close
I loved what we had
But I’m not his little girl anymore
Although he’s still my dad

What do I do now?
Can I keep it bottled up inside
With everything else in the back of my mind?
Can I run away and hide?

I’m trying to grow up
Trying to get away
But what if I want to come back?
What if I need my dad today?

I can’t stay as close
But I can’t lose him forever
If he still lived here
Would we still be tight as ever?

I love my dad
But I need my freedom too
What happens how?
What do I do?

So close together
And yet so far apart
Is he really
Losing space in my heart?

Depression

People read what I write
And say I’m depressed
I’m “sad;” that’s my best friend’s insight
She thinks I need help; that’s something she’s confessed

At first I tried to deny it
Isn’t it better to let my feelings out
But now I’ve read the words inscribed upon my soul’s pit
And my sanity I’ve begun to doubt

I don’t like the reflection I see in the mirror
If it means I can fit in my jeans I’ll eat one meal a day
I feel that the end of my rope is drawing nearer
Sometimes I just want to run away

I drown my pillow with my tears
And squeeze my teddy bear
But at night I’m not troubled by my fears
I’m surrounded by darkness; that’s how I know even God doesn’t care

Sometimes I wish I could just vanish
Disappear to somewhere else in Time and Space
To get out of here is my one true wish
And it’s not like anyone would miss my face

My dad and my one true friend
Are both miles and miles away
And no matter if I try to fix myself until the world comes to an end
I’ll never do anything but rub my wrong the wrong way

For some reason, I’m just not good enough
Unworthy of my mother’s love
That has made my skin pretty tough
I wish I was loved, wanted, or cherished, but I’m D: none of the above

And so I sit here and I weep
Listening to musicians with whom I can identify
Maybe I’ll go back to the wonderful void of sleep
There everything is so empty that for a while, I don't want to curl up and die

Someday someone will use the pages of my life as tissues
My heart has already been people’s cuisine
My friends are right – I do have issues
And I’m not talking about some magazine

I have a problem
Isn’t admitting that the first step to recovery
Underneath this sometimes rough exterior lies a precious gem
I can uncover it, if you’ll help me.

Broken, Bruised, Bloody

A couple passes by on the street
In them, I see our broken possibility
A love song bleeds through my speakers
In the guitar solo, I hear your heartbeat
And the silence where mine should be

Everything reminds me of you
The wind blows – I hear your voice
When I close my eyes, I see your face
Since you’ve been gone, my sky has not been blue
I don’t want to need you, but I have no choice

My blood dripped into this poem
But that is a mere fraction of the pain I feel –
My very soul has been ripped to bloody shreds
Each word was a tear – now you know them
I thought I knew heartbreak, but this is real

I’m trying to fall out of love
I wish our joys could equal the pain
My lake of serenity has become choppy and rough
Peace has fled – away hath flown my dove
All I have left now is Memory Lane.

Happy Birthday

Wow...look at you – fifteen
It seems like we’ve been together through it all
Through the good, the bad, and the in-between
Always lending a hand to prevent one another’s fall

So now it seems that I am conscious only of you
Your spirit spreads warmth through my veins
You’ve stuck by my side through and through
Hand-in-hand as we walk life’s lanes

And today is your birthday
A day on which I shower you with praise
Because you’ve done so to me in many a way
In the past and the future, now and always

So now its my turn to thank you
For being the wonderful person that you are
For believing in me as no one else could do
And keeping me in your heart whether you’re close or far

For being my much needed lifeline
And raising me higher than I’ve ever been before
For believing that what’s yours is mine
And for giving me the courage to open the door

But, mostly, I thank you for the envelope
That embraces me as snugly as a glove
Do I love you because of all the little things? Nope
I belong to you because you keep me swimming in your love.

An Ode to Music

An Ode to Music

Notes
Sound
Lyrics
Music
(You might call it noise)
Deeper meaning
I hear the words
Between the words
The notes under the notes
Music –
The only true form
Of self-expression –
Poetry in motion
No restraint
No censorship
Just you
Your music
Your style
Your sound
Music
Lets you
Have it your way.

An Ode to Dreaming

An Ode to Dreaming

Dreaming
Everybody needs a dream
Everybody needs to dream

Dreaming
Lets you be everything
You want to be
Lets you do everything
You want to do

Dreaming
Frees you
From yourself
Frees
Your mind
Body
Soul
From everything

Dreaming
Lets you do anything
Be anything
See anything
Create anything
Some people even say

Dreaming
Lets you do the impossible
But nothing is impossible
You can do it
Every invention
Every creation
Every idea anyone ever had
Started with
A dream.

A Not a Poem Poem

I will not write a poem
For I am not a poet
I cannot makes things rhyme
I’ve tried for quite some time
So will I write a poem?
NO!

I can’t write poetry
I’ve tried to all my life
Once, I tried to write a poem
About a husband and his wife
It sounded really silly
So I crumbled it up into a ball
That’s why I decided
That I couldn’t write poetry at all
Am I gonna write a poem?
NO!

Well, I’ll try to write a poem
But it will be really bad
It will be absolutely lousy
It will be completely horrible
It won’t be up to snuff
People will say, “Who wrote this stuff?”
Will my poem be good?
NO!

Can I write a poem?
NO!

Will I write a poem?
NO!

Well, what do you know!?!
I wrote a poem!
And it’s a pretty good poem, too!
I guess I can write poetry if I try
The next time I’m asked to write a poem,
Will I say no?
NO!

A Love Deferred

A Love Deferred

What happens to a love deferred

Does it hide in a corner
Like a hibernating bear

Or is it a song stuck in your head
Of it’s existence are you never unaware

Is love a drug
Do you wake up needing them

Without love, is life just a shrug
When love is deferred, can you report a theft
Has your aching heart been stolen for all time

Does the spoken word mean nothing to a mime?

Flying from the Masquerade Ball

I live in a world full of people
At a masquerade ball
Pretending to be something
Someone
They’re not
But you
You lifted the mask
From my weary face
Looked deep into my eyes
Saw my beautiful soul
Down there
And brought it up
To the surface
For me to see
You bring out
The best in me
And make me the girl
I’ve always wanted to be
I turn around
Your tender hands explore my back
Find my zipper and pull it down
I step out of society’s frilly ball gown
And standing there
Nearly naked
I am suddenly clothed
By the warm blanket
Of your unexpected love
And from under the blanket
I feel new growth
I scream your name
As I feel its blissful pain
Suddenly I have a wing
A single wing
That matches yours
You grab me in a tight embrace
As I fly away
To my own personal paradise
In the arms of the man I hold
And who hold me tight
As we sail away
Into the light

Extraordinary Girl

I know that’s she’s an
Extraordinary girl
Just looking for a place
Here in this ordinary world
But she’s wearing chains to fit
Among the paralyzed
Trying too damn hard to be
Just like everybody else

But she won’t let you call her normal
No
She’s weird
Weird and proud
She says she’s not gonna edit herself according to
Someone else’s censor
Not gonna hem her personality to
Fit this year’s fashions
Not gonna be somebody else
Just so she won’t be alone
Again

Well, that’s what she says
But I’m not sure I believe her
You see
Occasionally
Actions really do speak louder
And she’s always doubting herself
Always relying on others to back her up
Convinced she needs them to hold her up
To keep her from falling down
She loves them and
With them
She is happy

But her happy has a hole
Her crystal bowl a crack
There’s always something
Missing
She’s a crazy puzzle
Who’s always known she has a missing piece
Somewhere around her belly button, actually
There’s a hole
A nothingness quietly gaping

And I’m beginning to wonder
If it’s not really a hole
But a cover
If she’s not missing something
But rather smothering it
If her “hole” isn’t really
Everything she’s afraid to let herself be

I don’t know if she sees the chains
Maybe she’s really got herself fooled
And now
Especially now
I think it’s my job to
At the very least
Try to make her see
To comprehend her true potential
And everything she could do and be

I think she’s far too hard on herself
And I blame them
Them and their
‘If it’s not perfect it’s not goddamned good enough!’
It hurts me to see her
Getting ready to add another
The biggest yet
This may be my last shot

I have to show her that she’s
So much more than ordinary
If everyone
Well, all but the few I know
She’ll point out first
If everyone says the same thing
Can we all be wrong?
Can we all be wrong?

I look at her with complete awe
How is she so oblivious of the fact
That she is and could be
So much more
More than herself or her tame and timid dreams
She…
She’s out of this world
Yes, that’s it
Out of this world

This world she’s trying so hard to fit into
It’s not a world that’s meant for her
She’s supposed to be somebody
I don’t know how to make her
See what I see
I don’t know who
Or what
Or when
Or how
But the whole world should know her name

Alright,
Maybe not the whole world
But somebody
A lot of somebodies
More than me
And us
And this place
She has to expand
Keep the ties she needs,
But leave

Where she thinks is too far
Isn’t far enough
What she thinks is too high
It isn’t high enough
She could have the whole sky
Not just a tame and timid little piece
She could be a dreamer again
And me?
I could be her dream

We, an extraordinary girl.

Did You Ever Wonder...

How did the world get so complicated?
What happened to childhood’s simplicity?
When every question had an answer…
Now we ask:
What is normal?
Can you define it?
Can you give me an example?
Who created the norm?
Why do people hate and discriminate?
Why do you think I can’t do some things?
Why do people hurt one another?
Why can’t we all just get along?
Why is violence more American than freedom?
Can we reach perfection?
What is perfect, anyway?
Does perfection truly exist?
What is love?
Does true love exist outside fairy tales?
Why does love hurt?
How can you live without the one you love?
Why can’t we let go of all the bullshit?
Should I forget the past or embrace it?
Why does peace and tranquility lead to war?
Does God even exist?
How did we get here?
Who was I in my last life?
Who will I be in my next?
Can I shape my destiny?
When is life going to end?
How?
Does death hurt as much as life does?
Why does society control everything?
Why are people so fake?
Why are we all even here?
Did you ever wonder
Who, what, where, when, how?
Did you ever wonder
Why?

Summer

Neither on land
Or in the air

Supported,
Yet completely free

I lay in the world’s most comfortable bed,
But there isn’t a house in sight

I am relaxed
I lay still
But a force greater than any of us
Pushes and pulls me

You are under me
You crash over me
You are all around me
You surround me
And yet it’s as if I’m flying;
As if you aren’t even there

If it’s called the “Dead Man’s Float”
Then why does it make my soul feel so...
Alive

Maybe it’s because here
Floating in you
I breathe deeper
That’s it...
Nothing more than the
Air

The air that tastes so good
And makes me want to breathe it in deeper
Than I’ve ever breathed before

The air that is so different
And yet so familiar
It tastes and smells
Of salt,
Sand,
Sun

Where else is there air that smells like
Seagulls and picnics
And tastes like
Castles in the sand and the clouds

When I’m floating in you,
That’s the only time I truly understand the word
“summer”
I taste summer
Smell summer
I’m surrounded by summer

Ocean.

Beach.

Salt.

Sand.

You.

Me.

Fun.

Sun.

Summer.

Sonnet III

So you say you want to get out of here
Your soul wants to crawl, run, walk, fly away
Live in a world where your choices are clear
You can’t stand this life even one more day
If only someone could understand you
Even your shadow has left you alone
Find out what’s inside so you can be true
Your refuse to be just another drone
Yet you’re lost in darkness, needing a guide
Wanting to save you, I took on that role
I decided to tell you not to hide
And so I sent a message to your soul
Just let this float you back to Neverland
Where emotions are clear and days are grand.

Bloody Love

As humans, we never really fall out of love
We move on with the world because we have to
But you fill the empty spaces of my heart
And not even you can keep me from loving you

I’d live each precious moment over again
If I had the power to turn back time
I’d never apologize for my feelings
Even though with yours they will never rhyme

The rose has grown thorns, but it’s worth my blood –
I’d do it all again
You’d never be without my love
Even if I knew what I know now then

Because I’ll love you always and forever
To be complete I must have you in my life
You can tell me that I don’t need you
But that won’t explain why I dream of being your wife

I have bared my soul to you
And you brushed by like you didn’t give a damn
I used to wish that I was invisible
Now I’ve realized that, at least to you, I already am.

Your Imaginary Twin

When I met you
I saw you as
Moldable
In my mind I made you
Into the person I wanted
I needed
You to be

And when the real you
Would fuck up
And do something wrong
The you I created
Would fix it –
Would make everything right.

He was soooo good at making everything right...

He brought sunshine to my world
And warmth to my soul
Taught me to laugh and smile
Taught me to love
And I did...
Oh, I fell so hard

During the day
I fell so hard for my you
I began to see you –
The real you –
As my you
And we became inseparable
And I became afraid to go to sleep

Cuz when I’d sleep, I’d dream
I’d dream and I’d dream
One single, solitary, recurring, progressing dream
Where you’d disappear for a few days
Then your mom called me

She said your cancer came back
And that you were calling out for me
So I came to you
And stayed with you
And you started to get better –
The cancer started to regress

You see, that’s when I was lying
I was lying to myself
And I tried to deny that lie
Tried to tell myself that you really were
As perfect
As I’d made you
But you weren’t
And I knew

I knew
Because in my dream
That one, single, solitary, recurring, progressing dream
Your cancer didn’t take well to my lie
That lie that I kept telling myself
And it came back – with a vengeance

The doctors took your parents
Into a little room
And they came back
Their eyes all puffy and red
They tried to lie to me
But I saw through them
Like I refused to see through myself

Your mom was the first to crack
“There’s nothing they can do.”
And in my dream
That one, single, solitary, recurring, progressing dream
I flipped out and fell to the ground
Kicked, scratched, punched at the floor
Wrung my hands and pulled out my hair

Cuz I knew I was just like those doctors
There was nothing I could do
Neither they nor I could doctor you up
Change you into the man
I needed you to be
I had to let you go

But I couldn’t –
I wouldn’t –
Let go.
And while I grasped my you so tightly
Your health rapidly slipped away.

You were pale...
White...
A ghostly white
White as the snow you loved so much
The snow gathering on the windowsill...
...They said you didn’t have much time left

So I stayed with you
And held your hand
Trying to transfer some of my strength
My feigned strength at least
To you
But still you deteriorated
Right before my eyes

As you faded away I said
“I love you.”
Your last words were, in response,
“Then why did you do this to me?”

See, I fell in love with my creation
And hurt the man behind the mask
And in hurting you, I hurt myself
So now I’m saying sorry
And that, just like he taught me
To laugh and smile
He taught me that he and you
Are not one, but two

And in his death
In his absence
He is teaching me
Of the many intricacies
Of you
Of the real you

He is once again fixing everything
Making things “normal” again
Because now we are once again just friends
For I loved not you
But your imaginary twin.

You Are...

My food
My air
My heart
My life
My moon
My sun
My teddy bear
My dream
My sleeping pill
My world
My tearjerker
My tissue
My protector
My guide
My acceptor
My savior
My angel
My key keeper
My door opener
My sunshine
My miracle
My rock
My teacher
My condition
My revelation
My perfect
My gift
My lifeline
My partner
My best friend
My fertilizer
My translator
My best decision
My makeup remover
My soul mate
My soul’s mate
My sharer
My delight
My spare tire
My intangibility
My reflection
My muse
My stability
My cement
My repairman
My everything
My glove – you fit
My life-changing moment
My voice when I can’t speak
My waiting set of open arms
My bridge across the chasm
My wings, lifting me high into the sky
My electric blanket on those cold cold nights
My hand to hold onto
My barrage of sweet kisses and warm hugs
My best pain reliever – there is no more hurt
My doorway to heaven on earth
My steroids – you give me power and strength
My probe – you explore the secret parts of me
My ocean – washing away the footprints of where I’ve been
My sun shower – you drench me with unexpected love
My tears of happiness to replace the tears of pain
My light where there had been only darkness
My “is” instead of my “might have been”
My glue – you hold the pieces of my world together
My great adventure
My burst of light
My fountain of love and wisdom
My knowledge that I am not alone
All these things
I know that you are
That you will always be
And so I’ve only one simple question:
Who are you?

Who Am I?

I am the wind blowing in
An intangible power dancing around you
I am the suffering ostrich
Born to fly…with no way off the ground
But I try
Oh, how I try
I am fire
As a phoenix I burn, only to rise again
I burn my own path through life
You need me, but to control me is an impossible dream
I am a rainbow
One color cannot define my many facets
I am a pendulum
I rise and I fall
I am the tide
I am the sun
I am the moon
I am
And that is enough

Which Angels?

So, what are you
He asks
That’s a loaded question
Won’t admit it but
Can’t deny
Why are you so scared?
What the hell difference does it make
If opposites attract
Or if like likes like?
(For some reason
It seems like
A whole world of it)
(I blame the world)
Won’t admit it but
Can’t deny
So many questions
Lurking and questioning
And yeah,
There’ve been a few times
But what does that mean?
What does any of it mean?
Why does so much ride on the s
Or the lack thereof?
Won’t admit it but
Can’t deny
You don’t think it matters
Some days the sky is up and
Some days its down
Nothing really changes
No one really notices
But you wonder what that down sky
Feels like
Tastes like
Won’t admit it but
Can’t deny
That although all sky is unfamiliar
Maybe because
You’d like to taste each one
You stare off into each one
(All you want to do is fly)
Won’t admit it but
Can’t deny
As long as you can fly,
Who cares?
Who needs a label
Interfering with their wings?
Up or down,
Left or right,
Now or then,
Plus or minus,
Dark or light,
Hard or soft
You’ll let angels come as they may
And take them as they are.

When Nobody's Watching

When nobody’s watching
I let myself make a mistake
They blink
And I stumble
When their backs are turned
A tear rolls down my cheek
They don’t know how hard it is
To be me

Even geniuses have to mess up sometimes
Sometimes even a star doesn’t want to twinkle in the sky
What if the sun doesn’t feel like rising today?
Somebody please tell me, is that okay?

Because every crystal can’t be flawless
Just like the summer eventually fades away
They go to sleep in their comfy little beds
And I let myself break down
But only when nobody’s watching
Only when they blink
Or their backs are turned

What would an extraordinary girl give
If, for one day, she could just be extra ordinary
Sometimes the people on top would give it all away
If only they could crawl, walk, run, fly away

Away from all this
From everyone’s expectations
And salutations
Just disappear into the crowd
But I can only disappear when nobody’s watching
When they blink
Or their backs are turned.

What You Wouldn't Say

It’s funny, really
How much one word can do
The effect one little word
Can have
On a family
On a life

There’s one word that’s great
It could start a family
It could start a life
It’s the bond between us
That invisible string that ties us all together
The underlying reason behind everything
And while we sometimes act like it’s not there
Without that one word
We’d be lost

But there’s another word
And this one’s terrible
The kind of word you don’t even want to think about
The word that couldn’t possible happen to you
To your family
A word that could rip your family
Your life
To shreds
A word that’s not what this is

The second is a word you refuse to say
A word that would ruin so many lives
A word you’d rather ignore
Than be responsible for
How could you say it was wrong
If you never said no?

Because he shouldn’t
It’s not right
Why didn’t you tell him that?
Well, it didn’t always feel bad
At first it just felt like the first word
The good one
If you confronted him he’d just say
It’s only because of word one

At least this way it doesn’t hurt
With the other guy it hurt
And there were scars
Now there’s just a voice
In your head
That whispers
Stop
No
This isn’t right

The wrong kind of one is two, too.

What You Were Searching For

Close your door and lock it
Turn the music on
Turn off the lights
Out of a hidden shopping bag come
Your dirty little secrets
Black eye shadow, lipstick, and nail polish
Dark clothes and spiked jewelry
You put it all on in a futile attempt
To make the outside look as bleak and ark
And the inside has been for so long
But you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror
And your eyes meet a stranger’s gaze
That’s not what you were searching for.
So you strip and hop in the shower
Scrub your skin till it’s red trying to get it all off
And the red reminds you of blood
So you get dressed and sneak down into the kitchen
Take a knife out of the drawer
Back in the bathroom your let the blade bite you
Oh how it hurts – but the pain is so sweet
Oh, the pain feels so good
It lets you now that somewhere inside
Down deep inside that place you’re trying to find
Some part of you is still alive
You look down at the blood dripping into the sink
The way it splashes reminds you of the rain
Which makes you think of tears
And you realize that this, too,
Is not what you were searching for.
So you wipe the now fed blade clean
And hold your wrists closed till the bleeding stops
And return to your bedroom
Where you make the music even louder
Turn it all the way to MAX
And the running water, thoughts of rain, and dripping blood
Have coagulated
Not unlike your scars
To form the tears that swim, racing down your cheeks
And the heaving sobs that wreak havoc on your body
Their bitter pain seeps from the inside out
The phone rings and you think ‘Go away
‘I just want to be alone’
But they call again, so you pick up
Still sobbing, thinking you might just end it all
And you hear the voice of an angel on the other end
You hear the voice of me
And before you say one word I know that there
Is the only place I need to be
So I call you from my cell as I leave the house
It beeps in on the other line
“Look, I know you’re going through hell
But there are people
Not unlike myself
Who love you
And need you
And are on their way
To hold you in their arms
And make you whole again.
I am what you were searching for.”

What We Might Have Been

We’ve been through it all
Ups and downs
Highs and lows
It’s been a long year
A long, hard year
And we’ve been tested many times
Our strength has surprised even us
As we talk about everything
Sharing secrets
Change
And pain
And I thought I wanted more
So we talked
And investigated
You were my private eye
And we figured that there was nothing more to have
Nothing more without the risk
Of nothing at all
And I was happy
I am happy
We’re as close as close can be
And I am at peace
But every time I look at you
I feel a little twinge
And despite what my head says,
My heart thinks, ‘Oh, what we might have been.’
I said I didn’t want that
I can’t take that back
Can I?
I wanna know
I wanna know
What could’ve happened
What we might have been
But if I take it back
And we try again
(If you even want to)
We might lose everything
We worked so hard to win.
So, I know where we started
But I still can’t figure out
Where we should end.

Untitled

People talk
Balls bounce
Dogs bark
Cars drive
The world goes on below me.

Birds sing
Planes fly
The brilliant sun fades away
To the moon’s glowing orb
The world goes on above me.

I am suspended
Hanging here in-between
I don’t belong to the world of above
Nor am I part of the world below
I am alone.

I am everyone, yet I am no one
Your best friend and your most feared enemy
Your mother, father, sister, brother
And yet a stranger when we meet on the street
Do you know who I really am?

I am everywhere and nowhere at all
No one, no place owns me – yet I can’t bring myself to leave
I sit and watch the oblivious world below
While I the world above cannot see
Can you see me?

I know it all, yet I know nothing
I’ve seen it all, yet I am blind
I’ve heard it all, yet I am deaf
I’ve said it all, yet I am mute
I exist, yet exist I do not.

For to exist is not enough
I yearn to be loved
Yet I am not wanted
I strive to be me
But I’m still learning who that is.

Time Spent

I’ve spent too much time
Staring at the imperfection
Of my reflection
Not enough time spent
Reflecting the identity
Of the girl inside

I’ve spent too much time
Worrying about what’s ahead
The future I’d dread
Not enough time spent
Giving worry to the present
Missed the here and now

I’ve spent too much time
Wearing “Okay,” my favorite mask
Pain? – No need to ask
Not enough time spent
Wearing feeling in the open
Sharing with the world

I’ve spent too much time
Drowning myself in my sorrow
More tears tomorrow
Not enough time spent
Drowning myself in someone’s love
Even in my own

I’ve spent my whole life
Spent entirely too much time
Being just a mime
Not enough time spent
Acting, doing, being, living
Need to just be me.

Through It All

You know
We’ve been through a lot together
We’re so young
And we haven’t really been close for that long
But even so
We’ve been to hell and back
Together
And the one thing everything has in common
From the pillow fights
To all the actual arguments
From the occasional days when I couldn’t stand to be near you
To the more frequent ones when that’s all I wanted to do
From the wars we waged against ourselves and took out on one another
To the love we showed as we stayed and did our best to stop the other’s fight
From inside jokes and shared smiles
To crying our eyes out and shared fears
From having been so alone
To feeling like we were at home with one another
From friendship to love and back again
From days we spent every moment together
To days when we’re together but we’re not
To days when we’ve been far apart for far too long
To days when we’re back and all’s well
Everything has one thing in common:
Every hurdle and every flat stretch
We faced them all together
“Us”
You and me
We’re real
Even though that took so long for you to say
And even longer for me to see
We’re real
And “us” is something even we can’t break
So
Through it all
Ups and downs
Twists and turns
Elated plateaus and unexpected pitfalls
We made it through it all
And even one quick glance at us now
Proves that yes, the destination was more than worth the journey
But wouldn’t have been nearly as satisfying without it
One quick glance at us now
If you know all the places we’ve been
Tells you that “us”
We ain’t goin’ nowhere
Together
We can get through anything
So the next time we trip over something we didn’t see coming
Or have to go without one another for too long
Remember that it, too, shall pass
And, in passing, shall bring us even closer
Absence makes the heart grow fonder…
There’s a point I’m trying to make here
I’m not sure you really get what I’m trying to say
So I’m gonna give it to ya straight:
After everything that we’ve been through
I just wanted to tell ya that I…
No, not yet
Let me make this crystal clear
I wanted to tell you that I forgive you
And I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me
There aren’t words to express how much you changed me, my heart, my life
So instead of stumbling around trying to find them
I just want to thank you
I want you to know that I’m better because of you
So what I wanted to tell you
Is that through it all, I’ve loved you all along
After everything that we’ve been through,
No matter where I go, how long I stay, or what I say
I still love you
I’ve loved you all along
And I always will.

This Is Me

She’s too many people
But she’s no one at all
Truthfully speaking
She doesn’t really know
Where she’s supposed to go
What she’s supposed to do
Or who she’s supposed to be
In fact, she doesn’t believe in “supposed to”’s
But knows that she’ll get there eventually
Sometimes she feels like everything’s changing
Like the world is spinning too fast
It’s a rollercoaster ride she wants to get off
Most of the time she’s just lost in the ocean
She feels like she’s drowning in all the thoughts
That swim around inside her head
And she reaches out for a hand to grab onto
But just winds up knocking them off balance
So now they’re drowning, too
But that just talks about her relationships
And how she smothers them
Sucks the air right out of them
Can you describe her? they ask
She’s a scribe
Can’t go anywhere without pencil and paper
Is always writing
Or thinking
She’s a dreamer
And a lover
Who’s always prepared to fight
Speaking of fighting,
What element is she? they ask
She is mostly water: fluid, ever-changing
Gentle, but scary when she’s mad
Yet she’s fire – burning her own path through life
And still she’s wind: wild and untamed
An invisible force strong enough to level an entire town
Further still, she’s earth – an unstable ground
And yet she’s the most stable thing some people know
What color is she? they ask
She’s a rainbow
One color cannot define her many facets
She goes from red to black
And everywhere in between
But each hue is viewed through blue-tinted glasses
Looked at through eyes brimming over with sadness
What does she look like? they ask
Well, that depends…
Which mask is she wearing then?
Is it the one she wears when she’s trying to fit in?
“Try” being the key word there
Because, most of the time, she’s alone
Now, don’t get it twisted
She’s loved many
Given many the power to destroy her
Trusted them not to
And been broken every time they walked away
Is shocked by the few that choose to stay
And protects them with her life
She is a panther
Caring…teeth baring
She’ll never give up on you
Like she gave up on herself
But she needs you to stay here
You are the string that saves her
The final breath she clings to
The one she needs to hold her sky up
And find the rainbow hidden in each storm
No matter how wrong it is,
She needs you
You see, she’s the world’s stupidest genius
Can solve any equation
But can’t tell you who she truly is
And still tries to force fate to meet her wishes
She’s been confused for so long
Been fooling herself for even longer
And is afraid to let go for fear of losing
But knows she’s losing by holding on
By holding on to this life she’s sick of
This empty life so full of nothingness
-Is that an oxymoron?-
That makes her feel…
…Deflated
Like a balloon that the air’s been
Slowly seeping out of
And now there’s so little helium left
That she doesn’t even float anymore
And she used to be a banana:
Soft, mushy,
Yellow-bellied and easily broken
In need of a peel
But she’s trying to not be that person anymore
She’d spent her whole being yellow
Thinking she was a dandelion…
…Nothing more than a weed
And then she woke up one day and realized
That she may have been yellow,
But she was a daffodil
-A real flower-
And so she’s letting go of that life
That life in which she is everyone and no one
Your best friend and your most feared enemy
Where no one and no place owns her
Yet she can’t bring herself to leave
She can’t bring herself to leave.
This is who she is
It’s not who she used to be
And probably not who she’ll wind up being
But this is here
This is nowThis is me.

The Wall

So close
And yet, so very far away
When we’re together you always
Let go, get up and go
When I wish you’d just
Hold, and stay
And together isn’t nearly often enough anymore.
Most of the day
And all night long
You are right there
And yet, a whole world apart.
I accidently run into you
As much as possible
Try my damndest to make happenstance
A regularity
And go through all the pains of beauty
At the mere proposition of a late-night rendezvous
I can almost see you
Almost hear you
Almost touch you
Almost be with you
We are together in our solitude
Joined by technology
Mostly meaningless conversations
(During which you’ve called my “my dear” thrice,
“dearie” once, and
—This I treasure—
once, even “my love”)
But separated by this infernal wall
It’s the only thing that stands in my way
Fear of rejection, of change
Of your beautiful laughter at my expense
Though I know you wouldn’t be like that
I can’t bring myself to bust the wall down
Tear it to the ground
Descend and come up—go around
So I love the wall
And I hate the wall
Blow it kisses
And berate the wall
I covet silence in attempts to hear you
Hoping that you can’t hear me
Wishing that you can
Wondering if you feel what I feel
If you know it’s all for you
If you can read between my lines
If you can sense that every “mi amigo”
Strives to be a “mi amor”
But amor, love is a lie
Love must wait
For love, it knows no walls.

The Shy One

It’s not Halloween
But everyone is living under a collage
Of terrible
Delicate
Masks
You give greetings to dodo birds
Disguised as dancers with tiaras
And butterfly wings
You welcome them
And they become the teacher of tricks
They are cattle
Marchers going somewhere
You pick the shy one
The ghost from the crowd
The one with his head hung
He was following them somewhere
Didn’t know where and didn’t care
But you are one of the rare searchers
You were delighted to find
That he wants to run away
But he did not know how
He didn’t know a thing about anything
You ask a question and get
No answer
Period
But you will be his teacher
You loved him
So you stole him away from the games
You will fight his spooky scary spiders
Place him on a pedestal
Away from the strange little shadows
That you follow a little too closely
You tried to help him
Be his thimble for protection
And you bumped into those weird creatures
It frightened you how they fit with him
But he was one of your three close friends
So you dug through the big mess
It looked like the stands after a baseball game
You counted sesame seeds, delicious sweets, a lollipop, an apple, someone’s dinner
Other things she wouldn’t eat
After searching the sky and moon
You found nothing
But received some news
You have known all along
That he is different – hurray!
But as you raced along dancing before
You missed what made him more attractive
What seemed flashy to you
When he is alone, he has a missing piece
He is a jack-o-lantern that wants a magic wand
And a spell to turn back into a pumpkin
Wait – or is that you?
You both just want a home
Whether it be in haystacks on a farm
Or in a familiar mansion all by yourself
It took six days for two to become one
You stole him away then tried to fly away
And he screamed out, “Stay with me!”
So you floated back down
Wrapped your arms around him in an O
And together you began to roll
With your eyes closed, not looking where you were going
Barely missed crashing into the general store
As you rolled, both of your sharp edges
Began to wear off
Both your shapes
Began to change
And the two jack-o-lanterns began to each grow hearts
Their hearts said, “You cannot roll without me.
Maybe I am your missing piece.
I will take my place within the both of you
Forever and ever.”

The Problem

It’s easy to get lost
Inside the maze
Inside yourself
To lose yourself
Because you’ve been hiding for so long
That you forgot where you put yourself
Picking your way among the eternal abysses
Armed only with a light and a sword
Both of which you don’t know how to use
Falling
Is the easy part
Then comes the problem

You scream
But there’s no one around to hear you
You’ve pushed them all away
That’s a problem

You search frantically
Groping around as you plummet through the darkness
Looking for something to grab onto
But for years you’ve been putting on a mask
And pretending that you feel nothing
And so there’s nothing there to feel
That’s a problem

And you have love’s light
But you can’t figure out how to turn it on
So you can signal no one
That’s a problem

And you’re a very determined person
But even you can’t climb these cold cruel walls
What can’t go up goes further down
And the shadows have you pegged as vulnerable
Because in your loneliness you have befriended them
But beware – those with no hearts cannot feel
They will eat you alive the moment you turn your back
But you trust them
And listen to their words
That’s a problem

They have you so convinced that you are doomed
That, thought they’ve yet to touch you, you’ve already been consumed
And when the angel you’ve been waiting for finally finds you
You tell her that there’s no way out
You don’t even remember life before you fell
You gave up trying to turn your light on – you’re convinced it doesn’t work
And despite her pleas, you see no reason to wield your sword
The shadows tell you escape is impossible
And you believe them
That’s the problem

Falling was the easy part
You’ve been down there for so long
That you’ve forgotten what life was like
Getting out is what’s so hard about those abysses
And when you believe there’s no way out
Love, you’ve let them win
When you believe not only that you can’t find the way out
But that there’s no way out to find
You’ve become the problem.

The Princess and the White Knight

My life is a fairy tale
That’s not as great as it sounds
You see, I’m Cinderella
The lonely princess
Trapped
In a turret
Inside of the castle
In my mind

I am lost
Cold
And alone
No one understands
No one sees this me
Waiting at the window
Watching the destruction
Watching the outside world
Through her little hole
In the turret’s wall

Watching for her prince
I won’t let anyone else in
No one but
Eventually
Him

I am
Secretly
A slave
A slave to their desires
Subject to their punishments
But to the world
I am
A queen
Well, soon-to-be

One step away
From the top of the world
Everything
In the palm of my hand
Well, you see everything
I only see the one thing I’m missing
I only see the empty space
Where I’ve been programmed to believe
That my prince
My white knight
Should be

As a queen I appear
Before the crowd
I smile and wave
Trying to hide the fact
That I’m crying inside
That I’m dying inside

That night
As I lay
Alone in the dark
Sobbing myself to sleep
A soft knock
On the grand wooden door
Startles me back
To harsh reality

My messenger approaches
Bowing, he says
“The white knight approaches.
He is on his way.”

The white knight
My prince
I get all dressed up for him
Oh, how I have longed for him
For a sharp sword to fight for me
And a broad shield to protect me
For a savior

He saved the city to the north
From death and destruction
Stopped the earth from quaking
In the west
The sky from falling
To the east he fought
The darkness back from swallowing the sky
In time,
I believe
He will save me, too

Around midday
The gates burst open
He has been idolized for so long
That the guards recognize his face
He needs no pass to get through

Sword sheathed, helmet on
He enters my hall
The way he moves seems somehow
Familiar
Like I have moved the same way
I begin to praise him
Give him thanks

Beneath the helmet
A female voice rings out
“Do not speak.
You will not silence
My message.”

She reaches up
Removes the protective mask
As I gasp
Looking at her face
The White Knight is me

I am trapped in my castle
By three painful powerful dragons:
My past, present and future?
And only I can save me
As I have rescued everyone else
But I trapped myself in the first place

Beware the White Knights
We do not fight our dragons –
Instead, we train them

So I have retreated to my turret
My little corner of the globe
Returned to my familiar position
Staring out the window
But now the scenery has changed
Or maybe just the eyes
Through which it’s seen

The watery, tear-filled eyes
Of the lonely princess
Who’s finally realized
That no one is coming
She has already lost
Her white knight.
The watery, tear-filled eyes
Of the Cinderella
Who has finally come to the conclusion
That Prince Charming
Does not exist.

The Cards

Sometimes everything
Life
Is too much for one person
To handle
Do you ever give in?
Fold up?
Let go?
Just break down completely
No holding back?
Sometimes life
Just being alive
Day-to-day
Is too complicated
Sometimes bad days only get worse
Sometimes getting up in the morning
Is the hardest thing
In the world
You wake up
And you think
That today
Is going to be just like yesterday
And the day before that
And the day before that
You wake up
Feeling trapped
And you think
That maybe
If you snuggle back up under the blanket
If you just hide from the world all day
Whether it be under the blanket
Or under that fake-ass mask
Maybe
Tomorrow will be different
And then you’re always hurt
Cuz it never is
Well, maybe hiding
Isn’t working for you
Anymore
Maybe it never was
And you were lying to yourself
This whole time
A lot of us get to the point
We get so low
That we wonder
What we ever did
To deserve
This hand we were dealt
And we get sucked under
By the quagmire
Of helplessness and self-pity
And we look for saviors
Usually through lovers
And then we’re always hurt
When the relationship falls apart
Well, that’s because you’re falling apart
Trying to hide the fact
That you’re crying on the inside
Every time you laugh or smile on the outside
You’re so broken inside
That I’m surprised
You don’t rattle when you walk
And when you stop blaming your life on them
Whoever they may be
When you finally realize that you
Are your biggest problem
You think there’s nothing you can do to stop it
Nothing you can do to save yourself from yourself
Well, you’re wrong
We were all born into our lives
Into our worlds
Arbitrarily
We were all dealt these unfair hands
But you’re forgetting
The most important rule to this game
A new round begins each day
Every time you open your eyes
There are new cards before you
Society lies
When it tells you that you’re limited
That you began to die
The very moment you were born
That you’re trapped somewhere between
Luck and destiny
Society lies
When it says
You aren’t
You can’t
There’s no chance in hell
That you’re gonna make it
Cuz we design our destinies
And constantly reconstruct our realities
Life doesn’t have to be hell
So that means you have a chance
So no longer limit yourself
To society’s expectations
You’re better than that
You have the strength
And the courage
To break through the brambles
And follow a path less traveled
To defy all expectations
And to make each day
Your own creation
You have the power
To take a stand
To take a leap
And make a change
No more hiding beneath blankets and masks
No more playing pretend
You are above their game
And sometimes
You’ll still feel alone
And you’ll still feel a touch
Of that icy pain
Because a wound is a wound
And you are still broken
Wounded
The pain will still be there
It will always hurt
But on this higher plane
Now that you’re no longer a pawn in society’s game
Your wounds can be examined
Analyzed
And patched back up
You can fix yourself
So that you don’t rattle anymore
But the scar will always be there
To show that you have lived
You have played that game
To remind you of the past
And where you’ve been
And to serve as fuel for the future
Fuel for those hard times
When it’s tempting to just give in
Fold up
Let go
Just break down completely
No holding back
Let life get the best of you
If I have taught you nothing else
Remember this:
You deserve the best of you
Remind yourself of that every morning
As you decide how to play
The cards of today.

The Aftermath

No one ever asks about
The aftermath
I wonder who out there
Has ever stopped to wonder
What happened once it was all over

There was an accident a few weeks ago
When I asked this girl about it
All I asked was
‘What happened’
‘Is everyone okay?’
I didn’t ask about her
Or how she knew
Didn’t care that she’d been in a nearby car
And after the ambulance drove away
And the wreck had been cleared
She was left all alone
Standing there
Staring
At the empty space
Where a life used to be

We broke up awhile ago
For a day or two people asked
‘What happened
Are you okay?’
But only for a day or two
And then they went away
They never asked what I thought
How I felt
After those few days
Was I still okay?
Who cares – I was old news
Life moved on to somebody else
And their problems
It was over
Done
No need to worry about me anymore

Everyone cares about the conflict
The crash
The broken relationships and shattered glass
But the aftermath?
No one cares about the impact
No one sees the scars the glass left
And when you can’t find every last little piece
And therefore aren’t pieced together exactly the same
Everyone asks what’s wrong
No one seems to understand why
They don’t get that skid marks
Copy themselves on innocent peoples’ hearts

So this is my apology
I’m sorry when I lash out at you
And you don’t understand why
I forgot that you can’t see the scar
And you don’t feel the sore spot
To you, this all just disappeared
To all those who’ve forgotten
What happened to somebody
Remember this:
For some of us,
Life doesn’t move on that easily
Sometimes life gets stuck
And over it isn’t an option

So I’m sorry that you don’t get it
But I hope you never will
And me?
I’m gonna be a bit bitter
I’m gonna yell for no apparent reason
I won’t be as happy as I’m supposed to be
You touch me there and yes, I’ll scream
But you don’t understand
So for you I’ll laugh and smile and make it seem
Like I’m also having the time of my life
But while you’re just laughing
I’m being nobody.
I’m the one who wonders
What happens to a laugh when the sound is over?