What You Were Searching For

Close your door and lock it
Turn the music on
Turn off the lights
Out of a hidden shopping bag come
Your dirty little secrets
Black eye shadow, lipstick, and nail polish
Dark clothes and spiked jewelry
You put it all on in a futile attempt
To make the outside look as bleak and ark
And the inside has been for so long
But you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror
And your eyes meet a stranger’s gaze
That’s not what you were searching for.
So you strip and hop in the shower
Scrub your skin till it’s red trying to get it all off
And the red reminds you of blood
So you get dressed and sneak down into the kitchen
Take a knife out of the drawer
Back in the bathroom your let the blade bite you
Oh how it hurts – but the pain is so sweet
Oh, the pain feels so good
It lets you now that somewhere inside
Down deep inside that place you’re trying to find
Some part of you is still alive
You look down at the blood dripping into the sink
The way it splashes reminds you of the rain
Which makes you think of tears
And you realize that this, too,
Is not what you were searching for.
So you wipe the now fed blade clean
And hold your wrists closed till the bleeding stops
And return to your bedroom
Where you make the music even louder
Turn it all the way to MAX
And the running water, thoughts of rain, and dripping blood
Have coagulated
Not unlike your scars
To form the tears that swim, racing down your cheeks
And the heaving sobs that wreak havoc on your body
Their bitter pain seeps from the inside out
The phone rings and you think ‘Go away
‘I just want to be alone’
But they call again, so you pick up
Still sobbing, thinking you might just end it all
And you hear the voice of an angel on the other end
You hear the voice of me
And before you say one word I know that there
Is the only place I need to be
So I call you from my cell as I leave the house
It beeps in on the other line
“Look, I know you’re going through hell
But there are people
Not unlike myself
Who love you
And need you
And are on their way
To hold you in their arms
And make you whole again.
I am what you were searching for.”