Your Imaginary Twin

When I met you
I saw you as
Moldable
In my mind I made you
Into the person I wanted
I needed
You to be

And when the real you
Would fuck up
And do something wrong
The you I created
Would fix it –
Would make everything right.

He was soooo good at making everything right...

He brought sunshine to my world
And warmth to my soul
Taught me to laugh and smile
Taught me to love
And I did...
Oh, I fell so hard

During the day
I fell so hard for my you
I began to see you –
The real you –
As my you
And we became inseparable
And I became afraid to go to sleep

Cuz when I’d sleep, I’d dream
I’d dream and I’d dream
One single, solitary, recurring, progressing dream
Where you’d disappear for a few days
Then your mom called me

She said your cancer came back
And that you were calling out for me
So I came to you
And stayed with you
And you started to get better –
The cancer started to regress

You see, that’s when I was lying
I was lying to myself
And I tried to deny that lie
Tried to tell myself that you really were
As perfect
As I’d made you
But you weren’t
And I knew

I knew
Because in my dream
That one, single, solitary, recurring, progressing dream
Your cancer didn’t take well to my lie
That lie that I kept telling myself
And it came back – with a vengeance

The doctors took your parents
Into a little room
And they came back
Their eyes all puffy and red
They tried to lie to me
But I saw through them
Like I refused to see through myself

Your mom was the first to crack
“There’s nothing they can do.”
And in my dream
That one, single, solitary, recurring, progressing dream
I flipped out and fell to the ground
Kicked, scratched, punched at the floor
Wrung my hands and pulled out my hair

Cuz I knew I was just like those doctors
There was nothing I could do
Neither they nor I could doctor you up
Change you into the man
I needed you to be
I had to let you go

But I couldn’t –
I wouldn’t –
Let go.
And while I grasped my you so tightly
Your health rapidly slipped away.

You were pale...
White...
A ghostly white
White as the snow you loved so much
The snow gathering on the windowsill...
...They said you didn’t have much time left

So I stayed with you
And held your hand
Trying to transfer some of my strength
My feigned strength at least
To you
But still you deteriorated
Right before my eyes

As you faded away I said
“I love you.”
Your last words were, in response,
“Then why did you do this to me?”

See, I fell in love with my creation
And hurt the man behind the mask
And in hurting you, I hurt myself
So now I’m saying sorry
And that, just like he taught me
To laugh and smile
He taught me that he and you
Are not one, but two

And in his death
In his absence
He is teaching me
Of the many intricacies
Of you
Of the real you

He is once again fixing everything
Making things “normal” again
Because now we are once again just friends
For I loved not you
But your imaginary twin.