Saturday, May 16, 2009

Some Things I Know

You’re secretly taller than you look

(Though I’ll still call you short)

You have the most beautiful eyes

I think I have ever seen

You like teaching people to do things

Be it play a video game or understand econ

You love sports so much

That I’ve begun to love them too

You don’t like the way I curse

And hate my instinct to hit first,

Ask questions last

I can’t eat a piece of meatless pizza

And you’ve never even tasted flesh

I know I wouldn’t give up my heels

Even though I’ve already changed because of you

Though I’m not sure if for you

I know we’re absolutely impossible,

Me and you,

The idea of us being together

Makes no goddamn sense

(There I go again)

I’m sure the world would laugh at me

If ever I were brave enough to voice it

I think even I might laugh at me

All this I know,

And one thing more:

In the middle of the night as I

Climb back up the stairs

I sometimes think of turning around,

Descending,

Falling for you.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Faith

I feel almost blasphemous being here,

A non-believer sitting in the Lord’s house

…I only came because of you

Everyone says faith is intangible, invisible,

But I can see yours in your expression

I hear it in the passion in your voice

I know you feel Him here with you and,

Watching you, I almost wish I felt it too

I have faith, but only in…myself,

In myself, and maybe in you

Just not in wonderful ideas that seem

Too damn good to be true

If having faith in my own father failed me,

How can I believe in one that is somehow three?

I was raised to be my own rock,

To lean on no one but myself

The pastor, he’s asking people to come up

People like me, Godless, Churchless folk

To come accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior

I see you, head bowed, eyes closed

And I wonder if you’re praying that I go up

I don’t…understand

How can you ask me to do this?

How can you have given yourself over so wholly?

What proof, what reassurance, do you have?

…I already know what your response will be:

This faith, this beautiful faith that I can see

The faith that makes me so uncomfortable,

For there burns no fire in my heart,

And I live my life to live, not to worship

And I’ve made it this far, made it here

What could be harder than these first almost-twenty years?

Disquieted, really, for the things I would give my life for

Are the things that make me…me

Are things I can reach out and touch, can see

…And a voice in the back of my mind reminds me

That I can see your faith.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Weaker Sex

I think I finally got it—
Why we who are stigmatized monthly
So that we may bear children
And suffer the joys of raising them
—Why we women are called the
“Weaker” sex.
We aren’t “weak” because you are strong:
Lord knows that ain’t the truth.
We are “weak-ER,” for you, first, are weak,
Pitiful enough to not know what you have
Until you’ve thrown it away,
And then, still pathetic enough to come crawling back
And expect us to kneel to reach your level.
We are weak-ER because we do.
I met you on your birth day,
Mere hours after you came into this world.
Even then, something in the cosmos must have known
Fate would twist and turn with me and you.
Looking back I say you were
Nothing I ever wanted and
So much I didn’t need,
And yet still, you were my everything…
Off and on, for stretches of time,
This illogical motif in my personal plot
That almost sent me to a more permanent spot
—You killed me, but I rose again
Out of the ashes, out of the dust
Out of the nothing that I’d imagined was “us”.
You ripped my heart out,
Held it throbbing in your hand,
And tossed it aside.
I was unworthy of even a break,
So I shattered on my own:
Shattered the promises you never fulfilled,
Splintered all the empty hopes and dreams,
Destroyed the demeanor you left me drowning in,
And, through implosion, rose anew.
I still hate to say it, but They were right:
I’m better off without you.
I picked myself up and
Brushed myself off and
Built myself up again, piece by piece—
I’m stronger than you know.
But then again, you couldn’t know.
You never even tried.
I was just a hit-and-run,
The road you doubled back on,
Fearful of where I might lead.
You left me with nothing but a beautiful
Memory, and even that might be a lie.
Time passes.
Separately, lives change.
I achieved my revised dreams,
Did everything I ever wanted,
Let go of all I didn’t need—
I’d made it.
I was strong.
And then I learned that
Maybe I was lying to myself the whole time,
For evidently, seeing your name and
Reading your words can
Send me straight back to my knees,
To a bliss that faded to fast and
To the lies I held so dear and
Most of all, to the anger
Which has now become a fear.
“Weak” because to this day you can make me cry.
Success comes at a price—loneliness:
The top is a desolate place.
“Weak” for entertaining the notion of taking you back
For something’s better than nothing at all.
But wait, what is it I still see in you?
Feel for you?
Believe?
What that I see, and what that you seem
Belongs in the nightmare rather than the dream?
What damage do you feel you can undo now?
The scars have faded, but they are forever there.
It just might be too late.
Is it time to let you in, or time to let you go?
Your time has passed—it’s my time now
My time! And I’m wasting it
Thinking about you,
What was, what could have been,
Ever since you walked back into my life
Uninvited—I should really give you a piece of my mind!
But that’s worth more than anything you can offer,
So I’ll keep it to myself.
I just hope you know who I am now,
Because I sure as hell don’t know you,
Don’t trust you,
Don’t miss you and don’t want you.
I waited not, nor am I “weak”,
Nor am I too proud, too strong.
So say your piece, and I’ll say mine,
And maybe bygones will be bygones,
If you ain’t still rappin that same tired-ass song.
For, though I may stumble under the weight of my world and
I may occasionally bow my head in shame and
Insecurities and learning experiences abound,
I’ll play the fool no more.
Even if you speak again of dreams and queens,
I left “weakness” behind in the ashes of the old me.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Waiting Room

Hard blue chairs
Magazines
Sitting staring
Sitting reading
Sitting distracting
Sitting waiting
It’s funny how they design whole
Rooms around sitting waiting
What are we waiting for?
News of a loved one,
To be let in,
Test results,
Just to be seen?
By who, for what?
Maybe just to see for ourselves?
There is no clock in the waiting room,
No way to tell time is moving
But the hustle and bustle of hospital staff
And overheard nervous conversations
In the waiting room
Sitting wishing
That she is
Or it isn’t
Reading generic signs about
Washing your hand and caring for the
Common cold,
Everyone in the room having one thing
In common—
We are waiting.
Waiting hoping
Waiting dreading
Waiting pacing
Waiting to outwait the wait
And know something
Know whether she is
Or it isn’t.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Half

Half

You told me the other half today
I’d known there was something you’d been
Hiding
You hadn’t been lying, exactly,
Just telling me a half-truth
About your longer-for-other-half
Today you told me the other half
Well, sent me a link to discover it for myself
You sent me the link then went away
(Hopefully not for fear of what I’d say
Although that fear may be legitimate)
And I should have been relieved
I should have felt honored to have [re?]gained your trust
I should have been as happy for you as I was
Before—I should have
But this is what I did
I salted my tea with a few tears
Crying at your articulation of what I’d feared for years
Crying for lack of understanding my reaction
Why fear?
Why this darker layer? Why anger?
And why, in some small corner of my soul, loss?
So I followed your lead and left too
Abandoned rationality and responsibility
To deal with you, as I so often do.
The bomb—again, negativity: why?—you’d dropped in my lap
Required processing time
And a space not enclosed by four familiar walls
So naught but I might be destroyed
I knew that I had to tell you what you’d told me
When the tables were turned, oh so long ago
Well, half-turned, really
For mine was but a desire, whilst yours
Seems well on its way to becoming reality
So I braved frigidity to wrestle with fallibility
And what I half-wanted, half-needed to say
But didn’t fully believe:
“It doesn’t change anything.
I love you.”
The secondly is patently, unfailingly true
Which is probably why the first statement
Seemed like yet another half-truth to me.
Why does something that changes nothing
About us
Have such a direct effect on me?
I have no problem with the change itself
That, again, is patently true
So is the problem the fact that it’s you?
Can you still be my constant
Having weathered such a shift?
Are you still, even?
Must something change?
I’ve always defined others by you,
And now you’ve redefined yourself
In a way that affects me not
And yet.
I love you,
But redefinition scares me.
For if you can’t be you and you can’t be him
(For his spot is taken forevermore)
Then whatever shall we be?
What shall become of the seemingly indestructible “we”?
Come to think of it,
A third option exists,
Kind of slightly halfway in the middle
Not as much as I’d like from either side
But present, and rather lovely.
I’ll try to place you there.
It shouldn’t require much change.
For, no matter your other half,
You’ll always be part of me.
Now I repeat,
And repeat confidently,
“It doesn’t change anything.
I love you.”

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

For You I Will

For You I Will

You called me a bit past five yesterday
And asked if you could drop by, visit me
“I haven’t seen you in a while,” you said
I didn’t buy it, but said, “Come over.”
Baby girl, the truth I knew naught of, yet
In your eyes I saw what I could not see
A black cloud lurked shadow-like over you
Unhappiness: “I just don’t like it here.”
At first, I couldn’t see how you could say
Such things about such a wonderful place
Sensing this, you laid it all out for me
Darling, it hurts me to see you hurting
I just wanted to hold you in my arms,
Make you see—I wanted to make you me
For I am happy, or at least I was
Until you brought all of your pain to me
Don’t worry—you’re not a burden, my friend
Warrior-girl, someone must fight for you
I will do something I don’t do often
Something I hold in very high esteem
I’m going to make a promise to you
These are words you can be sure that I’ll keep:
I would give so much of me to see you
Smiling, laughing, playing for me again
I will give you parts of me, all of me
That I can spare—we will make you happy
With different arms, pursuing different means,
Together, we will find your missing piece
I’ve promised you, and my promise I’ll keep.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Go Ahead and Gasp

Go Ahead and Gasp


I have a confession to make.
I
Hate
Children.
Well, okay, ex-step-Father always told me
Hate is a strong word.
So I guess I’ll say I
Strongly dislike them,
The whole lot—all kinds.
And I want to know what goes on in the minds
Of all the people I ever meet
Who are, quite frankly, simply appalled
When I tell them I want no children
Not one, none at all.
I mean,
I simply don’t see what’s so wondrous and grand
Why a child is the cutest darn thing in the land
Let’s take a look at this motherhood gig:
So first you get pregnant
Quite probably the worst part
You get fat
Your boobs and feet swell
Morning sickness
Actually GIVING birth
And don’t even get me started on lactating.
Ew.
What am I, a cow?
So then you have a baby.
And they place it in your arms
And you’re supposed to think it’s cute
And maybe you actually do
And you hold it for a minute or two
Count all of its fingers and toes
But it doesn’t come with an instruction manual
No buttons I can press just to see how it works
What the hell do you do with it?
You take it home
It cries
It eats
It cries
It poops
Or maybe pukes
It cries
It sleeps (if you’re lucky)
It cries
It cries
It cries
And you tough it out
And then you have a toddler
Who draws on the walls
And must be potty-trained
And gets into EVERYTHING
No matter how many times you
“Baby-proof” your house.
And then you have a child
Who has to start school
And then needs help with their homework
And wants to bring cupcakes to class
And wants the new red lunchbox Johnny has
And just
Keeps
Growing.
And then you have a preteen
In middle school
Which obviously means
They know absolutely everything about everything
Why, they’re almost teenagers
This must mean they’re infallible
And when they find out they’re not,
It’s the biggest deal in the world.
And then, good Lord, they’re teenagers
Angst-ridden, beautifully tragic teenagers
Who want want want
And need need need
And drive and party and make you worry
And never ever live up to the ideas you had for them
And then blame you
And then they finally turn 18
And you feel like you’re done
But the college kid calls home and shows up for break
And not to mention tuition
And the adult still wants to come home for Thanksgiving
But won’t take you in when you get old
Parenting: you give up your whole life
And then continue to give, give, give
And for what?
To hear the word Mommmmmmmmm
For all eternity?
No thanks.
Make love, not babies:
This whole mother thing
It just isn’t the life for me.

Monday, January 12, 2009

And One for Me?

I blame Disney,

the Grimm Brothers,

that Anderson guy,

and Mother Goose, too:

any and all of them fairy tales that taught me that

if I ain’t happy with me, all I need is

you.

I hate that every little girl wants to be a princess.

I mean, before she gets fed up wit hangin out in some tower

waitin on Prince Charming,

what the hell does a princess do?

And why ain’t none of them Princesses black?

Don’t sistas need savin too?

But only them skinny lil white girls get a real prince;

the bitches with a little color?

Jas got a streetrat,

Pocohontas’s ass got left,

that gypsy girl could only land a hunchback,

and Mulan’s whole damn country dissed her

…It’s a goddamn shame.

Sometimes I feel like this world’s been telling me

I’m gon get got from Day One.

And that that jus plain ain’t right.

See, my whole life people been tellin me,

“ You gon be somebody”.

And you know what? I think they right.

If I made it here,

I’m pretty damn sure I can make it anywhere.

I might even be able to make it up that ladder

But will I be that strong,

power-suit wearin,

high heel rockin

Black woman can’t no man love?

Am I gon spend my whole life workin,

just to work some more?

I can’t see myself spendin the rest of my life with people tryna suck the color right outta me.

Cuz us soulful sistas, ya know,

them dragons try to get us, too.

Am I gonna hafta fight them myself,

or will you?

What I’m tryna say is, will a man love me if I go for my dreams,

or is “love” as much of a joke as it seems?

See, I think back to them stories and what I see on TV,

and all them girls that get love,

that find the one they walked with “once upon a dream”,

they’re everything I’ll never be.

And the concept of “rift-raff…streetrat”?

Well, I actually WON’T buy that.

Is there ever gon be a prince for the successful sista?

Or am I always gon stand proud,

stand tall,

stand here in my kitchen by myself?

Would it really be so bad if I did?

Heh, I think it’d give my Mama a heart attack.

So I blame Mother Goose

for sending Jill tumblin down after.

Hans, cuz he said I hadta call myself Ugly

to be a swan, and I hafta be tiny

to get my man.

Brothers Grimm, my skin’s not white as snow,

and it’s rainin outside—I can’t let down my hair.

But I heard some good news the other day:

seems like Disney’s fittin to give sistas a chance.

This new chick, they got her goin through all kinds of hell,

but comin out alright in the end

(Remember, Brandy got to be Cinderella too)

So maybe this part right here is where that tired old frog story gets

twist-turnt upside down.

Maybe…if they get it right.

And if they don’t?

Then I’ma just keep doin me, tryna make it right myself

Maybe Mama’s right and I should go head an call this boy

...someday one of them’s gon open they eyes and love me.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Wanting You

Wanting You

I’m done being torn,
done “deciding”,
done daydreaming and fantasizing,
romanticizing and idolizing.
I won’t claim to be sick of love songs,
but I’m sick of chick flicks and romance movies.
I’m sick of longing for a Noah,
a Jack or even a Jerry.
Al and Eric can hit the road, too.
This castle is home to both of us,
but I don’t need a Prince Charming;
I’m a big girl—I’ll rescue myself.
I just can’t be all by myself anymore,
and I’m sick of lovely ideas and beautiful lies.
I want something real
with someone real.
I
want
you.
This sounds so trite and cliché,
but then again, so does the entire concept of falling in love,
so I guess I’ll say it:
There’s just something about you.
I can’t really describe what it is,
but there are more obvious choices that have been flat-out
denied.
Something draws me to you.
There’s a reason I can’t say your name without smiling,
why I’m quite literally always thinking about you.
There’s a reason I’m already missing you more that I was missing you already,
and I’m not missing him at all.
I’m not sure what it is,
but there’s a reason I choose you.
You’re the one that I want.
But I’m doing more than that,
because I’ve wanted you for quite some time now.
I’ve coveted and cherished…
But I’m done admiring from afar;
that's just not enough anymore:
I can’t just sit around
wishing, waiting, wanting
you to want me.
No more acting coy and flirtatious
or switching it up and playing hard-to-get.
Darling, I want you…
and I’m becoming the type of girl who,
once she decides what it is,
always gets what she wants.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Americans, the Circus-Folk

Americans, the Circus-Folk

I can’t even begin to recall
The sheer number of times
My darling mother,
Whilst quieting us down,
Would mutter, “It’s a circus in here.”
Only now, as my mind matures,
Have I begun to realize
Just how right she truly was.

This whole damn country’s a circus.
A grotesque, large-scale scene
Of the amazing, absurd, and obscure
A show put on to rouse the interest and the…
…Laughter?
Of our audience,
The world at large.

We begin with the American president,
Our ringleader, if you will
The commander-in-chief
He runs our show…
Or at least works very hard
To convince the audience of this.
And it works
Everyone thinks the leader, in fact, leads
But, truthfully, he’s just a face for the name
A Barnum or Bailey to run our game

Second in command is the lion tamer,
Who, to the audience, reigns most powerful of all,
Our economy personified.
Partnering with the President to form the Ringling Brothers,
And what a ring, indeed.
He cracks his whip and brandishes his chair,
Subduing the lion with an elaborate conglomeration
Of cunning, manipulation, and fear
—In a word, power.—
The lion begs for his mercy,
Clawing his own dignity to shreds.

And who is this lion? one might ask
He’s obviously the lower class
The poor, the ghetto, the trailer park, the homeless,
The underclass, the bottom of the barrel
That is ever-growing, encroaching upon the middle
(Or is the middle simply crashing from grace?)
Being the largest, this lower lion looms
Looking powerful enough to rise against this oppression
And fight, revolt, maul its tamer
But upon closer inspection we see
His mane is scraggly and his fur falling out in patches
Claws clipped and teeth barely even bared
He has surrendered to the economy, The Man.

The middle class falls and crashes
A necessary risk, when your task is a tight-rope walker
Or flipping, twirling, soaring acrobat
With a bar or a (not-so-) protective parasol as their only weapons,
The middle class teeter-totters on the tight-rope called survival
Throwing themselves into the air to grasp frantically at a hoop or two
Trying fruitlessly to raise themselves
Succeeding only in trapping themselves in an endless chase
Or plummeting down to a socioeconomic death,
Becoming another hair in the lion’s unkempt mane.

Occasionally, an acrobat will break the cycle,
Rupture the mold,
Strap on a helmet for protection, the entrepreneur
Stuffs himself down the barrel of an impossibly large gun
And has someone light his ass on fire,
Giving a whole new definition to the term ‘cannonball’,
And using some explosive new idea to propel himself
Forward, upward, outward
Into the stilt-walkers’ existential sphere.

Making precarious balance look so easy,
The stilt-walkers, the upper class,
Breathe a different quality of air,
Inhabit a whole different stratosphere,
Feigning obliviousness and waxing philosophical
As though they don’t see what’s going on beneath them,
Marching around as if they own the place
(Which, in fact, they most likely do)
Footless, they still retain the power
To crush the little guy,
Both animal and master alike.

The stilt-men control the tamer,
For they own the clowns.
Seemingly innocent and happy-go-lucky,
As though they can eradicate your every issue
With a wink and a credit card,
Banks catch your attention with a beautiful flower,
Convince you with a painted face,
Make you laugh and jump for joy,
Then squirt water in your eye.
Water, to wet the ropes
So the acrobats keep on falling.

And last, but certainly not to be neglected,
The elephant arrives, commanding our attention.
His stature and sound steal the show.
Sporting a beautiful woman,
Unfailingly the ringmaster’s assistant,
Astride his broad back, the media never fails to show the world
Whatever will elicit the most from the crowd.
With ears like wings, he hears all,
And she hesitates not to report it to the world.

And then the show is over.
“That’s all, folks.”
“Thank you, come again.”
The elephant goes to munch his hay,
The lion returns docilely to his cage,
The acrobats secretly return to solid ground.
The circus is an ethereal spectacle,
Transitory and immune to any and all forms of stasis.
Thus, the question I pose is this, my darling mother:
Since it contains the leaders, the means, and every class,
Who’s left to hang around when the circus picks up
And leaves town?

Saturday, November 29, 2008

The Secrets of a Girl I Know

The Secrets of a Girl I Know

There’s a girl I know
Who has mastered the game
Of hiding
From the world
From herself
She buries all her pain

I’m working to uncover it, that pain
It’s no easy task, I know
But I’m sick of trying to convince her to do it herself
She’s made her own rules to the game
To learn them I must find a way into her world
But her door is hiding

And I try to convince her to stop hiding
Telling her that others are willing to share her pain
If only she would leave her secret little world
Come out and play – let everyone know
That she’s changing the rules to the game
She done fighting all by herself

That’s all she’s ever been – all by herself
Under a million masks, hiding
Pretending she doesn’t care about society’s game
In secret, bleeding out all that pain
But looking at her you’d never know
That she almost gave up on the world

And I’m trying to bring her back to the world
Cuz she can’t stand up by herself
Because I look in her eyes and I know
That she hates all this hiding
And she wants to deal with the pain
That she’s sick and tired of playing this game

And together, we’ll escape this game
I found the key to her world
And am searching for the door to her pain
She’s looking for it, herself
Bt she doesn’t know how to stop hiding
I can help her with that, I know

I know that life is more than a game
And we’ll achieve nothing by hiding from the world
Since she no longer all by herself, we can save her from the pain.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Giving Thanks

Giving Thanks

It being Thanksgiving and all,
I’ve been trying to list
All the things I’m thankful for,
And it’s just making me realize
How much I [could] love you.
I’m thankful for hard work, determination,
And a hell of a lot of luck,
Because, without those, I wouldn’t be here.
And I’m thankful for this place
For so many reasons,
Not the least of which
Because it brought us together.
I’m thankful for proximity
Of housing and schedules.
I’m thankful for Facebook (-stalking),
Chatting, texting, and AIM.
I’m thankful for dining halls and common rooms,
Shared hallways and mutual pathways,
Things we have in common and things that are totally new.
I’m thankful for the time we spend together
(However depressingly brief it may be).
I’m thankful for everything you say
(Even if you don’t know how I replay it through my head).
I’m thankful for your sense of humor,
For your laugh and your beautiful smile.
I’m thankful for your love of the lyrical,
And I’m thankful for your impeccable style.
I’m thankful for your personality,
And I’m thankful that you care.
I’m thankful for the late night conversations that we share.
I’m thankful for your body,
For every occasional brush of the knee,
And for every tender second your arms are around me.
I’m thankful for what you do to me:
For the way my face lights up when I see you,
And for how I can’t say your name without a smile.
I’m thankful for the wishing times,
And for every time my dreams realize my fantasies.
What I’m trying to say is that I’m thankful for you,
Thankful that I have you in my life.
I’m thankful for even the chance of you and me
Becoming an ever-desired “we”.
I’m thankful that I [could] love you.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Your Sweatshirt

Your Sweatshirt

The other day I “borrowed” your sweatshirt
You eventually stole it back again
I said I wanted it
Because it was so warm
And it smelled so good
Like you
I said I wanted it
So I stole it again
And I kept it
And I wore it
All the time
And it made me feel warm
When I was cold
But more than that
It made me feel protected
It was my own little piece of you
When I wore it
I felt like
You
Were holding me close
I felt loved
But more than that
Let’s go deeper
Last night
I was in a bad place
And I was crying
And I so badly wanted
To come crawling to you
I so badly desired
Someone to hold the pieces of me together
I so badly craved
A shoulder to cry on
So I grabbed your sweatshirt
And wrapped it up into a pillow
My own personal shoulder
And I
Leaned into it
Sobbed into it
It was my own little piece of you
There when I needed it
When I needed you
Making me feel loved
And protected
And utterly not alone
Because it was my own little piece of you
The piece I’ll have forever
Eternally
When I need it
When I need you
I’ll forever have
My own little piece of your smile
Of your laugh
Of your beautiful, beautiful soul
Now and into eternity
I’ll always have
Your
—Now my—
Pillow to sleep on
Shoulder to cry on
Warmth when it’s cold outside
Or on the inside
There when it’s needed
Big, black, warm, memory-keeping, comfort-giving Carhartt sweatshirt

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Deeper

Deeper

Your heart doesn’t belong
To me
Nor do you hold
My heart’s key

It took me too long
To realize
That which was right
Before my eyes

Your heart’s not mine
But to me your soul is true
Friendship runs deeper than love
And there is no deeper than you

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Your Best Friend

Your best friend is your closest ally
They know you inside and out
Even though they sometimes make you cry
Or make you want to scream and shout

Your best friend is your true-blue buddy
Through thick and thin they are
Always there for you when you’re feeling cruddy
Sometimes too close, but never too far

Your best friend is a gift you gave yourself
And they’ll never break or go out of style
Comforting books that are always on the shelf
Fully of silly phrases and kind words to help you through any trial

Your best friend is supposed to help you endure
Not causing, rather resolving your conflicts
So I never thought you’d be my saboteur
Who knew it would be me your poison afflicts

How was I supposed to know you’d hurt me
After you got close enough to scratch your name upon my soul
I couldn’t imagine that from my life you’d flee
Leaving me to fill the gaping hole

I should have known you were no different that the rest
You’d knock me down after carefully building me up
Into the darkness pieces of my spirit have been pressed
And tears splatter like raindrops into my teacup

You and Me

I am strong,
Resolute,
Concrete,
A pillar of strength
And love.

I am the spirit,
The soul,
The supreme essence
Of everyone
My experiences
Have molded me into.

And I love you.

He compliments me;
You complete me.

When I am with you,
The rainbow fades,
The diamond is scratched,
The mirrors all shatter,
And I am brought into the world,
Naked.

You can accept me
I can stand before you
Naked
And you accept me
And clothe me
In your warm embrace.

Loving someone
Means fully accepting
That person’s
Humanness.
I think that there is
No better way to describe
What you do for me.

You are
One of the chosen few
That gets to know
Me.

You are
The only one
Who always gets
Me.

I’ve let you
Inside my castle
If you are willing,
You can stay here
Forever.

What Do I Know?

You lift my spirits and you make me cry
All’s not fair in love and war
The clouds of my fears are blocking your light
This is one test I don’t have all the answers for

I’m searching for the answers
Do I even know how I feel?
I love him, but am I in love –
How can I know if what we have is real?

I know that I am conscious only of you
And that no one but you truly knows me
That you gave me the strength to be myself
But is this what love could be?

I know that you are everything to me
Except the one thing I really need
What scares me is, what if they’re right?
What if love at fifteen just can’t succeed

I’m trying to say that I’m feigning you
I’m afraid to share how I feel inside
But I want to know what we could be
And if my true feelings would be replied.

What Did I Do to Deserve All This?

I overslept
I missed the bus
I was late to school
I failed a test
I forgot my history report
I have too much homework
My mom’s making me baby-sit
My library books are overdue
I’m fighting with my best friend
My boyfriend dumped me
My locker jammed
I missed the bus again
I have to walk home
It starts to rain
“I hate you!” I scream at the world
“What did I do to deserve all this!”

I’m walking
Through the rain
I’m scowling
Listening to Eminem on my Ipod
Digging through my Baby Phat purse
To find my ringing cell phone
And then I see a man
Dressed in tattered clothes
Sitting on the sidewalk
Getting very wet
Looking very cold and hungry
I forget about by phone
And give him an apple from my lunchbox
And a few dollars from my purse
A small twist of fate and I could be that man
“Thank you,” I whisper to the world
“What did I do to deserve all this?”

There for Me

In case I were to stumble over an unseen rock
And sprawlingly fall to the ground
As I struggle to scramble up steep hills
Merrily slide down them
And occasionally burn my feet on unexpected hot sand,
Even though it means plunging headfirst
Into darknesses and evils previously unknown
After, long after everyone else
Has disbanded, dispersed, and disappeared
You’ve held my hand and become a part of me
And I know you’ll never let go.

Once inches from the edge
Although the future sometimes looks too bleak to continue on
While there are times when I can’t see through a present storm
To find a rainbow hidden in the future
Because of you and you only
The darkness cannot hungrily gobble me up
And today I am fairly happy,
Fairly healthy
But truly blessed to have a best friend like you.

The Things You Said

Sometimes I feel so confused
When I think about you
When the things you said
Play themselves in my head
Over and over again
You said that you only want to make me happy
But I’m happy right now
I’m happy with the way things are
It could get so ugly if we change things
I’d be happy if we could freeze time
Can you do that for me?
Because you said you would do anything
Anything for me
And that you hate to see me sad
Hate to see tears flowing from my eyes
So then why do you make me love you so much
That it hurts inside
And get me into situations
Where the only thing I know how to do is cry
And then you ask me what is wrong
So not to hurt you I have to lie
And lies on top of lies
Will only hurt us
As friends...as more
And hurting us
Will only make me cry.

The Thin Line (between Love and Hate)

Fuck you.
I hate you.
I fucking hate you.
Why do you do this to me?
You’re fucking killing me.
You’re eating me up inside.

I love you.
Why do I love you?
Why can’t I keep you out
Like everyone else?
I hate loving you.

But I could love
no one else but you.
If I didn’t love you,
I don’t know
what I’d do
or who I’d be.

I’d be a mirror,
an ever-changing mask
covering up...
absolutely nothing.

I didn’t...
I couldn’t
allow myself
to accept myself
into my life
until you.

If I didn’t have you,
I would never have stopped
Falling.
No matter how old
I live to be,
love
could never have saved me
if I didn’t have you.

I didn’t know love
until I knew you.
I thought that I did,
but,
I had just
recently met love.
I hadn’t yet recognized
you
for who,
and what,
you were.

Love.

The Many Ways in Which I Love You

You love me like a sister
But I want to be your wife

You are the food I eat
The air I breathe
The very heart that pumps
Life into my body

I wouldn’t – I couldn’t
Get up in the morning
If it wasn’t for you

And if I knew that you
Weren’t going to be waking up soon
No matter how near
Or how far
I would die right there in my bed

My death
Would not be merely
Of a broken heart
But of a shattered soul
As well

I live for you
And I would willingly
Give my life
For you

My dearest
If you laid
In a bed of roses
You might smell
How I love you

If you could dine
With the world’s finest chefs
You might taste
How I love you

If you ever met
Your idol
Then in your own scream
You might hear
How I love you

If you ever
Shook hands with an elf
You might feel
How I love you

If you ever
Rode a dragon
From that height
You might see
How I love you

But if you took
The offering
Of my heart
And gave me yours
In return

If you were to
Make me yours
Even if only
For one night

Only upon that one night
Could you ever
Truly know
The many ways
In which
I love you.

The Human Race

Dripping in diamonds, Pamela passes Andy huddled under a torn coat
As she travels to a party at some fancy penthouse
He notices everything about her, while she doesn’t even know he’s there
To her, he doesn’t deserve to breathe

People are so hypocritical!
Our founding fathers said we were all created equal, and so she is no better than he
But if you ask a child today, “Who is the better person?”, we all know what he would say

He would not carry my message; wouldn’t say that the problem is that question
That there are no better people – the man and the woman came into this world the same way
He wouldn’t wonder why they’re so different now.

Maybe Andy made a wrong choice or two somewhere in life
But no one’s perfect; we all make mistakes
Why does he have to suffer through life on a street corner
While, in the penthouse, Pamela rises above everyone else?

I ask, “If men, women, and children were created equal, why do we call it the human RACE?”
We all start at the same place, but are people like Pamela the first to finish
While all those like Andy lag behind, never to catch up?

Humor me, please – let us pretend
That Pamela and Andy were to join hands as they complete the course
It is my belief that the utter silence resonating in every corner of the globe
Would say more about this event than I ever can

The Fight's Symphony

Roar – goes the crowd
“Kill him!” – they shout
Pump – goes the two boys’ adrenaline
Thump, thump – go their hearts
Whoosh – they hear it in their ears
Flap – away fly their consciences
Whip – the crowd is now their master
Wham – a punch is landed
Splash – the blood puddles on the floor
Bam! Bam! Bam! – he’s hit again and again
Thunk – his body hits the floor
Click – the lights all go of
Silence – in the dark, it’s over.

Tell Me Why

I can see that you’re depressed
So I go to you
And hold you tight
And tell you that I love you
As a friend, of course
At least, so you think
If only you knew
How I wish I could comfort you
In a different way
How I long to kiss your tears away
But you don’t feel the same
How could you?
I’m your best friend, nothing more
And even though we’re so similar
In our personalities, at least
She is the one your heart longs for
And when I have brushed away your tears
With my hands, not with my lips
You tell me how thankful you are
That I am part of your life
You say that you love me
You say it’s impossible not to
And yet you don’t
At least, not the same way I love you
You don’t look at me
Like you gaze at her
What makes her so goddamn special?
Why does your heart choose her over me?
She doesn’t even want you
You haven’t changed her life
She won’t give herself to you
Like I’ve already done
She doesn’t treat you
Like you deserve to be treated
And still you look right past
My wide open heart
How can you look so deep into my soul
Without seeing the truth?
Are you so blind?
Or do you just refuse to see?
Do you just refuse to love me?
You swore that
For all your life
You’d try to make me happy
So why is my love invisible?
Why aren’t I good enough?
Why is hers the name
Always on the tip of your tounge?
Tell me
Why are you my everything
Except the one thing
I truly want you to be?
My hand fits yours
The small of your back
Is the perfect resting place
For my head
You make my very soul rejoice
So can someone please explain
Why
Why, why, why, why, why
Don’t you love me?