The Day We Almost Kissed

Just do it! screams a voice in my head

Here we are, saying goodbye,

And you’re holding me just a little closer

Than just anybody else might

And honestly, I’d miss my bus in a heartbeat

If it meant I could stay here in your arms.

Here we are, all wrapped up in one another’s arms,

And as you run your hands up and down my back,

I think back to a few hours ago,

When those same arms were around my waist,

And I wonder what it means:

Anything? Everything? Nothing at all?

I wonder what this perfect day has meant

And I wanna do it so badly

That I have to bite my lips to keep them to myself.

I can hardly control myself:

I want to kiss you.

In fact, in this moment, it’s as if I

Planned this entire trip just to get to this exact second,

When I could tilt my head slightly and we’d be kissing.

But what if you don’t feel the same?

What if this fun daytrip was just a fun day?

Our friend rolls her eyes at the fact that we’re still entwined

-I’d forgotten we had an audience-

So I guess it’s put up or shut up time.

I relax my shoulders like I’m going to let you go

(A test of sorts)

And you pass with flying colors,

Somehow managing to pull me back and hold me even tighter.

I bury my face in your neck,

My favorite spot to kiss,

And having remembered that we’re being watched,

I dare not stop biting my lips.

I almost wished I could see your face

So I could try to guess what was running through your mind

But on second thought, I was scared to know.

So one last squeeze and goodbye entity

You’re once again you and I’m once again me,

And, equipped with schedules, tickets, and newly-minted memories,

To our lives we must return.

I pretended I could still see you as the wheels got to turning,

And that voice from before,

My heart? got to yearning…

And now we’re off in different directions,

And I count the days til we meet again,

Already labeling this as the day we almost

Became more than just friends,

The day you almost knew how I felt,

The day we almost kissed.

Loving and Leaving

My stepdad used to find himself fucking hilarious

And one of his favorite jokes was to say,

When someone had hurt themselves in some small way,

“Well how about I stomp on your foot?

“Then you’ll forget about whatever else was hurting you.”

I never thought he was funny,

But I think the concept could be used for joys as well as pains.

And I think they lied when they said,

“Absense makes the heart grow fonder.”

For the first few days, more or less,

An absense reigns much more present than a presence,

Missing someone takes the reigns, takes over your life,

And you let yourself sink lower than low.

Til one day you get up, dust yourself off, and resolve that

“Well, at any rate, life must go on.”

And go on it does.

You seek out your nearer friends and loved ones

Who, by being nearer, instantly become dearer,

And they distract you from the hole in your heart so well

That you’d think they had filled it in.

My stepdad thought a big hurt could mask a small one,

I say that a big joy can obscure a huge pain,

And you can let yourself be happy,

Remember how it feels to laugh and smile…

This charade can last for quite a while…

For however long it takes for you to see

The face of the one who had to leave.

Until you hear their voice.

Until they appear close enough that you could reach out and touch them

And you do,

And as your arms slide around one another,

The whole weight of missing them comes rushing back to you,

Knocks you over like an ocean wave,

And you never want to let them go again.

But this fondness resulted from reunion,

Not from the separation itself.

The heart grows weary of focusing on absense,

And love, even from others,

Is a hell of a distraction from pain.

I’d been having such a great time without you

That I’d forgotten how amazing every day with you is.

I can’t believe I never realized how much I miss you,

I never realized til you were right where

All along, I’d wanted you to be:

Til you had your arms around me.

I think the only thing they were right about is that

“Parting is such sweet sorrow.”

But, though I miss you now, in the end,

I guess we part only to meet again.

The Divorce

Irreconcilable differences.

That’s the official term for this, right?

When we’ve realized we’re staying together

Just to stay together,

Staying together because it seems impossible

To go our separate ways,

Even though we don’t know one another anymore

And probably wouldn’t like one another very much if we did.

You’re not the same person you were

When we started this.

I can’t say that I am, either.

And I like this new me a hell of a lot better…

…I expect that you feel the same

But I don’t feel the same way about the new you,

Nor do you about me.

And we’d thought sheer stubbornness alone,

One of the few things we still have in common,

Could see us through this…

…But it’s just not working.

They say to leave well enough alone,

But what if well enough isn’t enough for me?

Someone has to say enough is enough.

Because yes, you make me happy,

But not nearly as often as you leave me frustrated,

Or as you enrage me…

Just about as much as you send me spiraling into depression.

So is an ocassional high worth all the lows?

…I didn’t think so.

So I already sent you the papers,

Said I wasn’t really sure…

…But included a pen.

And as I waited for you to do something

To either fight about it

(Like we do about everything else)

Or to join me in giving up all hope

And sign,

I thought of how empty it’s going to be,

This house that’s just brimming over with all our memories

Because regardless of what’s going on now,

You ARE my history.

Sometimes…

A lot of the time…

It seems like I just can’t live with you anymore,

But if the tears I just can’t stop crying mean anything,

It’s that all the time

I can’t live without you.

Is it too late to take it back?

To rip the papers up and

Go to counseling

Or just spend more time…

Anything to get to know one another again?

Because there’s something here I can’t let go of,

Something here that just won’t quit,

Even if I try to.

Love, I don’t think I want a divorce.

Some Things I Know

You’re secretly taller than you look

(Though I’ll still call you short)

You have the most beautiful eyes

I think I have ever seen

You like teaching people to do things

Be it play a video game or understand econ

You love sports so much

That I’ve begun to love them too

You don’t like the way I curse

And hate my instinct to hit first,

Ask questions last

I can’t eat a piece of meatless pizza

And you’ve never even tasted flesh

I know I wouldn’t give up my heels

Even though I’ve already changed because of you

Though I’m not sure if for you

I know we’re absolutely impossible,

Me and you,

The idea of us being together

Makes no goddamn sense

(There I go again)

I’m sure the world would laugh at me

If ever I were brave enough to voice it

I think even I might laugh at me

All this I know,

And one thing more:

In the middle of the night as I

Climb back up the stairs

I sometimes think of turning around,

Descending,

Falling for you.

The Weaker Sex

I think I finally got it—
Why we who are stigmatized monthly
So that we may bear children
And suffer the joys of raising them
—Why we women are called the
“Weaker” sex.
We aren’t “weak” because you are strong:
Lord knows that ain’t the truth.
We are “weak-ER,” for you, first, are weak,
Pitiful enough to not know what you have
Until you’ve thrown it away,
And then, still pathetic enough to come crawling back
And expect us to kneel to reach your level.
We are weak-ER because we do.
I met you on your birth day,
Mere hours after you came into this world.
Even then, something in the cosmos must have known
Fate would twist and turn with me and you.
Looking back I say you were
Nothing I ever wanted and
So much I didn’t need,
And yet still, you were my everything…
Off and on, for stretches of time,
This illogical motif in my personal plot
That almost sent me to a more permanent spot
—You killed me, but I rose again
Out of the ashes, out of the dust
Out of the nothing that I’d imagined was “us”.
You ripped my heart out,
Held it throbbing in your hand,
And tossed it aside.
I was unworthy of even a break,
So I shattered on my own:
Shattered the promises you never fulfilled,
Splintered all the empty hopes and dreams,
Destroyed the demeanor you left me drowning in,
And, through implosion, rose anew.
I still hate to say it, but They were right:
I’m better off without you.
I picked myself up and
Brushed myself off and
Built myself up again, piece by piece—
I’m stronger than you know.
But then again, you couldn’t know.
You never even tried.
I was just a hit-and-run,
The road you doubled back on,
Fearful of where I might lead.
You left me with nothing but a beautiful
Memory, and even that might be a lie.
Time passes.
Separately, lives change.
I achieved my revised dreams,
Did everything I ever wanted,
Let go of all I didn’t need—
I’d made it.
I was strong.
And then I learned that
Maybe I was lying to myself the whole time,
For evidently, seeing your name and
Reading your words can
Send me straight back to my knees,
To a bliss that faded to fast and
To the lies I held so dear and
Most of all, to the anger
Which has now become a fear.
“Weak” because to this day you can make me cry.
Success comes at a price—loneliness:
The top is a desolate place.
“Weak” for entertaining the notion of taking you back
For something’s better than nothing at all.
But wait, what is it I still see in you?
Feel for you?
Believe?
What that I see, and what that you seem
Belongs in the nightmare rather than the dream?
What damage do you feel you can undo now?
The scars have faded, but they are forever there.
It just might be too late.
Is it time to let you in, or time to let you go?
Your time has passed—it’s my time now
My time! And I’m wasting it
Thinking about you,
What was, what could have been,
Ever since you walked back into my life
Uninvited—I should really give you a piece of my mind!
But that’s worth more than anything you can offer,
So I’ll keep it to myself.
I just hope you know who I am now,
Because I sure as hell don’t know you,
Don’t trust you,
Don’t miss you and don’t want you.
I waited not, nor am I “weak”,
Nor am I too proud, too strong.
So say your piece, and I’ll say mine,
And maybe bygones will be bygones,
If you ain’t still rappin that same tired-ass song.
For, though I may stumble under the weight of my world and
I may occasionally bow my head in shame and
Insecurities and learning experiences abound,
I’ll play the fool no more.
Even if you speak again of dreams and queens,
I left “weakness” behind in the ashes of the old me.