My Best Friend's Wedding

When all our friends and family have settled down,

and even your not-a-baby-anymore sister has turned to look at me, expectantly,

I’ll stand, smooth out the wrinkles in my just-classy-enough-to-not-be-skanky dress, and

clear my throat, preparing to ignore them all and speak directly to you.

Speak now, or forever hold your peace, right?

I’ll tell you that when I first met you, too long ago for me to remember exactly when,

I didn’t imagine there’d even be a you and I, let alone that we

would share so strong a bond we’d challenge customs, you giving me the title:

Best Woman. I’ll make some tired old joke about how that’s all over now that I’ve been bested.

Not that this was a contest—I entered this race knowing I’d never win. I just wanted to be close to you for as long as I could.

I’m sure I’ll tell them that I’ve never seen you this happy.

Inside I’ll be wondering whether or not that was a lie.

I’ll look towards my right, at the one holding your hand, and after everything, I still won’t be able to tell do I want that to be me?

What I will say is that I’ll give him away if I have to, but on one condition:

She must take better care of you than I have. Depending on how much wine/champagne/whatever-the- hell-the-waiters-have-been-carrying-around I’ve had, I’ll speak the truth:

I’ll say, and I quote, “This man right here is the love of my life. If you hurt him, sleep with one eye open—I know where you lie at night.”

She’ll think I was joking.

You’ll think back to those nights in my kitchen, where I turned against my brother to protect my mother’s “other son,” to who rode shotgun and made you get out of the car to leave your first love letter, to who made the family wait to decorate til you were off from work, so you could do the star. You’ll look at me and know I wasn’t.

You’ll look at me and I’ll feel bold enough to keep going…

I’ll conjure up memories of all those times when it was just you and me, alone but for one another, us against the world,

when Mr. Seigel asked me if any degrees of separation were allowed between us, and I told him firmly, “No.”,

every time some blissfully ignorant stranger referred to us as the “lovebirds”, “such a cute couple”,

how we laughed them off me sometimes wishing they were right.

I’ll tell them the story of the night I realized you were ridiculously in love,

rather than just plain ridiculous. How you readily admitted it.

I’ll bite my lip, wondering if now I can say that forbidden word: jealous. Or if that’s not right, then just lonely at the thought of losing you.

I’ll laugh a laugh that’s half a sigh, take another sip of my wine or whatever, and tell them that I still think you’re ridiculous. I don’t doubt it for a second. You’re crazy—and if you’re crazy about anything, it’s her.

I’ll wish that she can drive you crazy in all the best ways, the ways I never could the ways you never let me try the ways I don’t think I wouldn’t have wanted to.

I’ll turn and look at you while I say that last bit. I’ll have worn waterproof mascara on purpose, and you’ll have “something in your eye,” just like the night I left for too long.

I’ll wish you the best this world has to offer, and then some,

say I’m gaining a sister rather than losing my brother from another.

I’ll tell her Sorry to have to break it to you, honey, but we’re bigger than this, him and me. Congratulations.

Loving and Leaving

My stepdad used to find himself fucking hilarious

And one of his favorite jokes was to say,

When someone had hurt themselves in some small way,

“Well how about I stomp on your foot?

“Then you’ll forget about whatever else was hurting you.”

I never thought he was funny,

But I think the concept could be used for joys as well as pains.

And I think they lied when they said,

“Absense makes the heart grow fonder.”

For the first few days, more or less,

An absense reigns much more present than a presence,

Missing someone takes the reigns, takes over your life,

And you let yourself sink lower than low.

Til one day you get up, dust yourself off, and resolve that

“Well, at any rate, life must go on.”

And go on it does.

You seek out your nearer friends and loved ones

Who, by being nearer, instantly become dearer,

And they distract you from the hole in your heart so well

That you’d think they had filled it in.

My stepdad thought a big hurt could mask a small one,

I say that a big joy can obscure a huge pain,

And you can let yourself be happy,

Remember how it feels to laugh and smile…

This charade can last for quite a while…

For however long it takes for you to see

The face of the one who had to leave.

Until you hear their voice.

Until they appear close enough that you could reach out and touch them

And you do,

And as your arms slide around one another,

The whole weight of missing them comes rushing back to you,

Knocks you over like an ocean wave,

And you never want to let them go again.

But this fondness resulted from reunion,

Not from the separation itself.

The heart grows weary of focusing on absense,

And love, even from others,

Is a hell of a distraction from pain.

I’d been having such a great time without you

That I’d forgotten how amazing every day with you is.

I can’t believe I never realized how much I miss you,

I never realized til you were right where

All along, I’d wanted you to be:

Til you had your arms around me.

I think the only thing they were right about is that

“Parting is such sweet sorrow.”

But, though I miss you now, in the end,

I guess we part only to meet again.

Some Things I Know

You’re secretly taller than you look

(Though I’ll still call you short)

You have the most beautiful eyes

I think I have ever seen

You like teaching people to do things

Be it play a video game or understand econ

You love sports so much

That I’ve begun to love them too

You don’t like the way I curse

And hate my instinct to hit first,

Ask questions last

I can’t eat a piece of meatless pizza

And you’ve never even tasted flesh

I know I wouldn’t give up my heels

Even though I’ve already changed because of you

Though I’m not sure if for you

I know we’re absolutely impossible,

Me and you,

The idea of us being together

Makes no goddamn sense

(There I go again)

I’m sure the world would laugh at me

If ever I were brave enough to voice it

I think even I might laugh at me

All this I know,

And one thing more:

In the middle of the night as I

Climb back up the stairs

I sometimes think of turning around,

Descending,

Falling for you.

For You I Will

For You I Will

You called me a bit past five yesterday
And asked if you could drop by, visit me
“I haven’t seen you in a while,” you said
I didn’t buy it, but said, “Come over.”
Baby girl, the truth I knew naught of, yet
In your eyes I saw what I could not see
A black cloud lurked shadow-like over you
Unhappiness: “I just don’t like it here.”
At first, I couldn’t see how you could say
Such things about such a wonderful place
Sensing this, you laid it all out for me
Darling, it hurts me to see you hurting
I just wanted to hold you in my arms,
Make you see—I wanted to make you me
For I am happy, or at least I was
Until you brought all of your pain to me
Don’t worry—you’re not a burden, my friend
Warrior-girl, someone must fight for you
I will do something I don’t do often
Something I hold in very high esteem
I’m going to make a promise to you
These are words you can be sure that I’ll keep:
I would give so much of me to see you
Smiling, laughing, playing for me again
I will give you parts of me, all of me
That I can spare—we will make you happy
With different arms, pursuing different means,
Together, we will find your missing piece
I’ve promised you, and my promise I’ll keep.